Just Sandy

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Monday, August 15, 2011

August 15, 2011

I need to write. I feel stressed and kind of up and down with my emotions today... I feel SUPER excited to be quitting my job with the Credit Union, but at the same time that leaves me feeling scared and worried. I mean Premier is doing AMAZING but it's the fear of the unknown... but the fact is we will always have enough to pay for the things that really matter: Rent, Food and Electric. I have never not had a weekly or bimonthly check so this is just weird and intimidating. I don't want to fail and I don't want to leave the stress on Scott being the only constant income. He REALLY encouraged me to quit though. Always coming home hating my job, what they do and how they treat me and everyone else they employ. Crying, or just being completely drained mentally. Doing a supervisor/managment job everyday and not being compensated for it or get a title change, and no raise for over 2 years, and my review always being over looked or extremely late. Lack of recognition, encouragement or even just a incentive to feel like I am doing a good job. I mean there is only so much a person can take. Should I stay there and let them run me over and use me and very much under compensating me for my job? I am not a push over nor am I going to let someone run me over because they know I will "just do it" anyway. I'm done... over 3 1/2 years is enough don't you think? Especially when I have a little girl I could be enjoying and watching grow up. Why miss out on the things that really matter? No more. Life is too short. I know God will always watch over us and protect us, and never give us more than we can handle with him so I should stop worrying and start having more faith in his clear signs telling me to quit.

I also have been feeling sad... knowing that Sept/Oct is when I would be having my 2nd child... This has been overwhelming me the past few days with sadness. I keep having dreams that I am pregnant, and symptoms... I don't think I am pregnant, I just think it's on my mind. I feel like I want another child right now but I am not sure if it's the void of my loss or me just enjoying McKayla so much. Even if I wanted to have one I would not choose to at this point and time. I am really nervous about my health and my body still not being ready. I don't want another miscarriage! That would be horrible!

I also just miss my best friend. I haven't seen her in a few years now and sometimes you just need to see your best friend for a pick me up and fun.

On a better note, I love our new apartment and the area it is in. I feel great going for walks and having a washer and dryer, and the space is great! McKayla just runs all over the place and I'm not having to keep her in a small confined space! She loves it! It has better space too, more functional and SO much more light. I felt like I was in a cave in La Riv!

I have so many things to be grateful for right now, I am not trying to complain but just get stuff off my chest to anyone who will listen and take the time to respond. It's a weird time for me right  now, a lot of new transitioning things and old scars I am overcoming. It will pass, just a weird season, hopeful of growth.

Feel free to comment and talk with me about any of this stuff, talking helps.