Today is another day, just like tomorrow will be. Another day of learning how to just let the emotions come as they will for a while. Today is another day of me thinking about my unborn child and reliving when I saw it come out. It still feels like someone punched me as hard as they could straight in the gut. It's been a little stressful with all this emotion and my baby at 6 months old being fussy because she wants to crawl but is only successful at going backwards. She just gets so mad because she wants to get somewhere but doesn't know how. I understand this frustration but it makes my day harder. I am grateful my family has come over to help me with her and let me rest especially in the morning. (Side note... I think it is weird that you spell great, but when you spell grateful it's spelled like when you grate cheese... I think is should be greatful not grateful because you are never full of grate...). I got out of the house again today, walked to Big Lots and got my secret sister a few thing for Easter. It was nice to think about how to make someone else smile. Also to get some good vitamin D from the sun to help perk me up. I also picked up some sunscreen for the baby, Scott and I. It's gone from a freezing winter straight to summer... no spring. I wish it didn't do that, but it's a beautiful day and I made sure to enjoy it.
I have a different outlook on life now. I hope it doesn't fade. It's a miracle to be here in life, and I don't want to take it for granted anymore... if the sun is shining I will just be thankful for it, if it is raining I will praise God we are not in a drought. I want a more positive outlook while still being able to grieve or have emotion for whatever time it is needed. I praise God more now than ever for the life of my 1st child McKayla. Even though she is frustrating me with all her whining. Melissa Paoloni has been a big influence for me with her positive attitude and writing. I am so thankful for her.
I may break down again tonight I may not. Either way I am learning the grieving process. Not that I haven't had experience with death, because trust me I have had overwhelming experiences in my life. My first loss was at 7 years old when my best friend drown. But this is different, it was my own flesh and blood. I was attached in only a way a mother knows. Unless you have had this experience you will never understand this pain, and I pray you never will. To think apart of you is gone, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but ache (I am now starting to cry) and long for the day when you can meet face to face. To say I love you so much and we have never met, but I wished everyday for it. Never a day has gone by that in my heart I didn't want to hold you and to kiss you, to know you and watch you grow. What a glorious day that will be. I really pray you never know that pain, and if you have, I grieve not only for my own loss but for the pain I feel for you and your loss.
I still have a child and a family, and I am so glad I get to hold them anytime I want. That I will not take for granted. Who knows why my baby didn't make it, I have my suspicions but no one but the Creator will know for now. I still am struggling with the positive side of losing this child. Like, hey now I can go exercise and get back into shape, I can eat sushi, I can lift more that 15-25lbs soon, I can look for a new job... and many other things because it feels as if I am saying I am glad the baby died, but I know this isn't true. I know that it's just a realization of things I can do, but I feel weird because I shouldn't be able to... I was pregnant. Everyday when I see the blood (I will be bleeding just like I would be after giving birth for a while) I think this isn't right... I should be growing new life... it's a strange thing to have to transition from HOLY CRAP I'M PREGNANT AGAIN AND I HAVE AN INFANT!!! to embracing the pregnancy, then to I am not pregnant and lost a child... it's a whirlwind of emotion, like being on a boat and tossed around the waves not knowing when the storm will clear.
I still need friends and families prayers and support. I still need the comfort of my Heavenly Father to get me through this. At times I want to crawl into a corner and just shut the world out, but I know that would solve nothing. My close friends and family, this blog has been my way of venting and talking to people. My way of coping. Please keep reading these to understand what I am going through and support me with your love and kindness. It means so much to me. Thank You.