Been awhile

Ever feel like life sucks? Well I do too! I am going through another one of those hard times... I ask (or yell depending on the circumstance or mood) Will this ever end!!??!! I know the answer to this... Yes it will, but the next question is when? and then how long until crap flips my life upside down again?  Those my friends I do not have an answer for and frankly I hate that. I want to plan my whole life and stick to the plan. It seems simple right? If I make good decisions with my life, like how to spend my money, know how to SAVE my money, be on a schedule, make goals and work at achieving them, have good morals, stick to them no matter what, evenly divide my time to make sure I don't go crazy... Things like this... Now I like planning, I like organization (you wouldn't know it from my house at the moment but I do!) I like knowing the plan and attacking it. I am a "go getter" I do whatever I set my mind to. Well This year just BLEW in so many way can I just say. I mean come on!!! Let me make a list (her comes my organizing)

1. Had a baby and now have to go back to work... which was a place I HATED
2. SURPRISE! Your are pregnant 3 months postpartum and just found out you are 1 month along!
3. Surprise... you lost it...
4. Deal with Miscarriage while going to work at a place that sucks and has no care that you just lost a piece of you
5. Move to a better place, Quit Crappy Job, SURPRISE your husband lost his job for the 2nd time in your 3 year marriage, but now you have a baby and pay more rent and are both unemployed besides a commission job... Go for a dream position with music... DENIED
6.  Car registration is due...on both cars oh what? No money to pay for it?... Crap
7.Get sick and miss or have 1 month of commission shows canceled
8. Great 2nd car wont start... and still isn't registered
9.Get daycare, seem like things are looking up but find out kids wont be there anymore shortly (I'm not mad about that it just another financial hit)
10. Husband has a job that has gone full time YAY!!! But it's night and now you miss him and feel incredibility lonely
11. Suddenly get super sick and go to the ER 2 times, and take forever to get over it, and feel more alone because I can't see anyone!

This is me... I am not pouting or asking for sympathy... I just need to vent... I am SO done with this! I am sick of creditors calling me... wondering what I have to not pay this month so I can pay next months rent... I feel like my life this year has been a downward spiral... I have to give credit to some many blessings now:

1. I have a beautiful, smart, extremely happy and funny, AMAZING baby girl who is growing everyday!
2. I have an amazing husband who is always there for me
3. I have had some great support this year with friends and family
4. I have been able to keep sponsoring my "child" in Kenya
5. Rent has been paid every month (Thanks to some help a few times)

I know there is more but honestly they are not coming to me... I feel really discouraged... I keep praying for a relief that lasts more than a few weeks. I want stability. I don't want to move AGAIN! I don't want to worry about bills ESPECIALLY Rent! The feeling of not being able to provide our own home for our daughter feels horribly irresponsible! But I have NO CONTROL! I HATE THAT! I want like I said to make a plan and attack it, but life takes you on a ride and it's a bumpy one...

The thing that keeps me going honestly, is that I do know this will end and I am only put through these things because I am being shown something. I am growing. I am not alone in dealing with this even though at times I feel VERY lonely, but that is mostly because of my personality. I love human interaction. I like being around other people... adults. I am at home all day with kids, then (still) don't have a working second car (and if it was working it still isn't registered) so I am stuck at home unless someone has time or wants to make time to come visit me or will take me somewhere. That is hard for my type of people with a social craving. But I am not alone. Jesus  is with me... cheesy? Not at all. He knows what it's like to be alone, like you are the only one going through something that totally sucks. I know he is telling me to talk to him more, and just share with him. This is an area I sometimes struggle in. Remember I said I am a social person? Well I am... but more when you are in front of me, or sometimes on the phone. I like the people that I can actually hear words from, but sometimes they still can't comfort. I am working on talking to him, and I find that best when writing and maybe that's because that's a lot of how God communicates. I mean there is a WHOLE book with his words lol! I like writing, sometimes typing when I have a lot to say and it wants to come out faster than I can write with a pen or pencil. I type much faster than print. But other times the pen to paper gives me an outlet, just the physical release of words on a piece of paper is therapy...
I don't know how long I will be out of work and a regular paycheck. I know I am trying my hardest to bring in income and balance money. I don't know how long this downward spiral is, I don't know a lot. But one thing I know is I am stressed and if I don't get it out I am going to do damage to my body with all this stress and with trying to recover from the horrible sickness still it is going to take a lot longer. I believe in Prayer. Please pray for me and my family. Pray things will look up and this trail will end and that we will be stronger and smarter. Also that we will stable out financially.
I know I am not alone in some of these daily struggles so I will pray for my fellow strugglers. It isn't all about me and it wont last forever. My Jesus will deliver me out of this darkness and bring me new bright happiness... even if that doesn't happen until the day I see his face (I pray that isn't the case, that it gets better sooner) I will wait for that glorious day.

Jesus, you hear and see my struggles, I pray you jump in where I have no control and relieve me of my stresses. I pray for stability especially financially. I pray for happiness and good times. I thank you for every blessing I listed and didn't. I pray I never forget who you are and how much power you have to do anything. I pray I never put you in a box and think there is something you can't do. I ask for a miracle. Revive this heart, and country. I am not alone in these struggles. I am thankful I have you for many people do not. I pray you reach out to them and take the yolk off them too.
I love you!
Amen.

August 15, 2011

I need to write. I feel stressed and kind of up and down with my emotions today... I feel SUPER excited to be quitting my job with the Credit Union, but at the same time that leaves me feeling scared and worried. I mean Premier is doing AMAZING but it's the fear of the unknown... but the fact is we will always have enough to pay for the things that really matter: Rent, Food and Electric. I have never not had a weekly or bimonthly check so this is just weird and intimidating. I don't want to fail and I don't want to leave the stress on Scott being the only constant income. He REALLY encouraged me to quit though. Always coming home hating my job, what they do and how they treat me and everyone else they employ. Crying, or just being completely drained mentally. Doing a supervisor/managment job everyday and not being compensated for it or get a title change, and no raise for over 2 years, and my review always being over looked or extremely late. Lack of recognition, encouragement or even just a incentive to feel like I am doing a good job. I mean there is only so much a person can take. Should I stay there and let them run me over and use me and very much under compensating me for my job? I am not a push over nor am I going to let someone run me over because they know I will "just do it" anyway. I'm done... over 3 1/2 years is enough don't you think? Especially when I have a little girl I could be enjoying and watching grow up. Why miss out on the things that really matter? No more. Life is too short. I know God will always watch over us and protect us, and never give us more than we can handle with him so I should stop worrying and start having more faith in his clear signs telling me to quit.

I also have been feeling sad... knowing that Sept/Oct is when I would be having my 2nd child... This has been overwhelming me the past few days with sadness. I keep having dreams that I am pregnant, and symptoms... I don't think I am pregnant, I just think it's on my mind. I feel like I want another child right now but I am not sure if it's the void of my loss or me just enjoying McKayla so much. Even if I wanted to have one I would not choose to at this point and time. I am really nervous about my health and my body still not being ready. I don't want another miscarriage! That would be horrible!

I also just miss my best friend. I haven't seen her in a few years now and sometimes you just need to see your best friend for a pick me up and fun.

On a better note, I love our new apartment and the area it is in. I feel great going for walks and having a washer and dryer, and the space is great! McKayla just runs all over the place and I'm not having to keep her in a small confined space! She loves it! It has better space too, more functional and SO much more light. I felt like I was in a cave in La Riv!

I have so many things to be grateful for right now, I am not trying to complain but just get stuff off my chest to anyone who will listen and take the time to respond. It's a weird time for me right  now, a lot of new transitioning things and old scars I am overcoming. It will pass, just a weird season, hopeful of growth.

Feel free to comment and talk with me about any of this stuff, talking helps.

More Premier

I need to book 6 parties this month to help me get $200 more in jewelry for my business... if I get 9 I get $100 more. I have pictures of the jewelry I currently have to show. If you book a party before July 4th I will throw in a free ring up to $60.00! That's on top of the hostess benefits. I really really just need to get booking from outside my circle of family and friends. I need to reach my family and friends, family and friends. If you could help that would be amazing!

Premier Designs

So I REALLY love the jewelry I sell and the awesome Hostess plan I get to offer that give people seriously free (except the tax and $4 for shipping which we can't ever avoid!) jewelry it gives people. My first hostess show I got all 4 $25 dollar bonus's and 30% of the Jewelry FREE plus 8 items 1/2 off because my party made over $500 in retail. So I got $439 in FREE jewelry, which gave me 15 or 16 items for my Premier Business that I get to have for my self but show off to show people how great it is. 

I am really focusing on savings right now and this I pray helps a lot. I am really excited about the things this is allowing me to do, such as Melissa Paoloni's Cancer Fundraiser. I get to have a show in her name and donate 90% to help her pay for medical bills. This is an answered prayer for me. I want to be able to save and be more generous. I prayed about it and he gave me an answer right away which I love. She will be getting all the free jewelry from this too. She will have a tangible memory of our love for her.

 

That is the Flyer and info for the Fundraiser. PLEASE spread the word and pass this around.

With that here are a few pictures of the jewelry

 The Next Pictures are the same necklace just different ways

I will have more pieces tomorrow, as that is when my big shippment comes in. This is all I got today but It's exciting. I need bookings to keep up my business so if you can please book a party, get some free jewelry and relax. I love doing this.

On another note, I have been thinking about my miscarriage lately and that I never had a "funeral" like I wanted to... I still want to... do you think it's too late?

COUPONING!!! 5/6/111

Today was awesome (and it's not over!)

 

I bought all of this today for only $55.26... at RALEY'S! and SAVED $41.40!!!!! That is 42% savings!!! 

It was awesome! I got Salsa, Chiles, Pepsi and a free movie ticket for... FREE!!! (Plus I forgot to get my FREE fuze drink because they are on sale 10 for $10 and that makes them a dollar... I have a $1.00 off coupon! That my friends is AWESOME!!!)

All except 5 items had coupons and on sale, 2 of those 5 were still on sale and the other 3 I needed for a recipe. This is name brand stuff cheaper than the generic! Plus not only did I save 42% I get $.10 off Aisle 1 gas! Every penny, in this time of rising gas prices, saved is a blessing! 

First I would like to Thank God for letting couponing be reviled in it's full capacity at a time when I NEED to save money to pay bills! 2nd extreme couponing for showing me how it can work, 3rd my friends who have given me tips on where to get coupons! I love you all!! Lol... I know I am being dramatic but think... if I save 42% every time I shop for groceries (which I always need and so do you!) I will be able to have food in my house and pay all my bills and who knows maybe start keeping money in my savings account!!!

There will be more to come!

-Sandy

1 month mark

Yesterday was the 1 month mark for the miscarriage (4 weeks). I was really busy with things to do for church and seeing a friend who I haven't seen in over 2 years! I met her sister-in-law and her 18 month old baby too! It was a pretty good day. Over Easter and Yesterday's conversation I have talked a lot to people about my miscarriage, especially Scott's cousin who I didn't know had one too. I held back the tears as we talked about it. It is still a very overwhelming feeling when I relive it all, but I am able to cope now. 

I think it is strange that we get comfort from people who have experienced the same pain. Only because you know that they have experienced the same pain, and you are comforted by knowing someone else had pain. It's just strange, but it really does help, not to say we would ever have wanted that for them but that because you now share something very personal and emotionally scaring.

I have been losing weight and getting back into shape since I have been able to exercise. I feel good about it now and love to work out, as before I was feeling guilty because I felt I was still carrying a baby and shouldn't be doing the things I was. It feels nice to be getting my body back in shape (and realizing that it is not what it once was every time I work out... that's not the nice part though!). 

I feel sometimes I got "over" this too quick, but I then realize I am not "over" it I am just at an acceptance stage. But it still feels like I got there fast, which is an answered prayer because my only prayer was for comfort and I now have it. I know my baby is waiting up in Heaven and never had to suffer one day in this awful world. It knows our Lord and Savior, something I only dream about for now. I get to meet my child in his or her perfected form, and he or she will meet me in mine. It give me hope and something more to look forward to. Makes Heaven almost more real in a sense. 

My church family has gotten me through a lot of this and I believe it was all the support and prayers on my behalf that got me to this point. I Thank God for them and their love for me and my family. Without them I would still feel heavy and depressed. I pray in some way I can use this situation to comfort someone else in their sufferings. That they can look at me and say "The memory and sadness will never go away but I see I can be happy and go on living life in the fact that I will one day meet my child". Maybe it will help their healing process. It will not answer any questions most likely because I still have questions of my own, but help the healing.

I am blessed. I am able to get pregnant and some women long for that. I was able to carry and have my 1st born, and some people will never know that. I have a wonderful church family, family, and friends. I am surrounded by people who love me. I am blessed. Thank you Jesus.

Catch up

This is a catch up blog. I want to go over a little bit of my life for the past...hmmm about 15 months.

Find out I'm pregnant for the first time, while thinking I was going to get fired for the $100 I happened to be short on the day I found out. (They found it 2 days later by the way...)

3 months Pregnant move out of my parents (We were trying to pay off some debt and move into a house before we got pregnant so to fast track it we moved in with my parents for 3-4 months) and into our own 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment while struggling with the stupid sciatica (if you don't know what that is look at this link Sciatica ).

Sometime between 4 and 5 months find out that my blood work was coming back with SUPER HIGH white blood cells and dipping platelets and no one knowing why. As well as Battling extreme exhaustion and not understanding why I was what seemed to be beyond normal "pregnancy tired"

6 months pregnant and being put at part time work 20-25 hours a week. Continue to do blood work and see things worsen. Then having to go to non-stress tests twice a week for monitoring. Also had blood work sent out for the screening of a platelet antibody, which came back negative a week or so later)

7 1/2 months be taken out of work completely because of pure exhaustion and quit a bit of swelling, Preeclampsia, and still high white blood cells and extremely low platelets.

9 months (35- 36 weeks pregnant) take myself to the hospital because I was extremely swollen and had tingling in my hands. Finding out that I had "GTP" or Gestational Thrombocytopenia (Thrombocytopenia in Pregnancy) which is a low platelet count because my body created a rare antibody that the previous screening wasn't looking for. Being told I have to be induced in 2 weeks and my risk of a c-section was higher now, but more risky because if my platelets drop I could bleed out.

9 1/2 months pregnant (38 weeks) went to the hospital to be induced (this was a Saturday), Monday early morning finally getting to 10cm to push. Over 3 1/2 hours later being told the baby isn't coming out and I have to have an emergency c-section, being Rushed to the surgery room and hearing my platelets had dropped to my lowest ever. 7:22am Monday morning had my BEAUTIFUL baby girl McKayla. 

1 hour after giving birth I am in the recovery room shaking from the anesthesia and loss of blood that they can not get to stop. Not able to hold my brand new baby... Thinking I was going to die.

3 hours after giving birth finally started to clot and stop bleeding.

4 hours after giving birth... I FINALLY get to hold my baby, but can barely see her because the blood loss, and stress on my body from labor.

4 1/2 hours after giving birth I got my baby taken from me because I passed the antibody to her and she has to go to the NICU.

2 Days after giving birth finding her platelet count was so low losing a few more would put her in danger of spontaneous bleeding and she could die. Having to make a HUGE decision to give her an IGIV (immune globulin (intravenous) (IGIV) medical facts from Drugs.com) and them not know if that could harm her or just watch as she potentially dips into the low number... Praying, and finally doing the IGIV 

5 days after giving birth I get to go home and find out... McKayla doesn't.

6 days after giving birth we FINALLY FINALLY get to take our baby home!!! PRAISE GOD!!

During McKayla's 1st month home I had to take her in every week for blood testing.

4-5 months after having McKayla finding out I was again pregnant... then that I do not have GTP I have ITP Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP)which means I can't avoid the platelet issue like the doctors said I could because it's permanent not gestational, and being told I can no longer take Ibuprofen because it drops my platelets. 

10-11 weeks after finding out, I found out the baby stopped growing, had no heart beat and was dead.

2 Days later passing the fetus.

2 weeks later going back to work, and while taking the company mail I backed into my co-workers car denting her fender and my bumper...

Today (1 day later) get a call from my sister and McKayla has been screaming/crying non-stop for over 2 hours. Having to take her to the Doctor to find out if she has an ear infection or something. Making my bosses SUPER mad that I had to take her to the Doctor and leave for 2 hours... Then find out she is only teething but getting 4 teeth at once.

My thoughts now... I have made it through so much... God has been there with me through it all and helped me jump these hurdles... I love Him for that... so...

BRING ON WHATS NEXT!!! or give me a break please!

Short Post

This is just a short post to say I am exhausted and have been pretty busy, so busy I haven't had a lot of time to blog. But everyday gets better and I have a lot to look forward to. Hopefully I have time to post more soon!

This link

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42191453/ns/today-today_people/?gt1=43001

This was shared with Scott and I by the worship leader and friend at our church. The part where the little boy saw his sister in heaven that he didn't even know his mother had miscarried gives me hope. I cried when they talked about it. It gave me great hope to what I already knew. I hope that this story is real  (because it is tv) but I do believe it. *Deep Breath* My heart has hope and peace.

I praise you Lord that you take care and love the little children.

Saving Money and other stuff

Lately I have been trying to find ways to save money, make money and keep money. I am going to try and start selling jewelry to possibly quit my day job, stop paying for someone to watch my kids, and make more money in less time. Strange that as I have been pondering these money issues TLC is having a extreme couponing show. After watching this (which they go way over board with their stock piles!) I now understand how to do it and get stuff free... Since I stay home I am going to try and devote (over time) a couple of hours to finding good deals to try and save money and pay down debt with savings. 

I have been feeling (as I have been describing it) less heavy about the miscarriage. It still hurts, especially when you see a commercial that says "We are pregnant" or a pregnancy test commercial and such. When I say I lost a baby or had a miscarriage it doesn't hit me as much as when I hear it out of another persons mouth. When someone else says it my stomach drops. I believe this might always happen but lessen as time goes on. I have to tell myself that I will see my baby one day, but for now it still feels like we are missing a family member, because we are.

I have been losing weight but mostly inches. My pants are huge on me right now, ad it's wonderful. This is a step in moving on. Getting into better shape. I have been walking for an hour for the past few nights and it really feels great to calm McKayla down and get outside and exercise. I can't wait to feel in shape again. I am not feeling as guilty to want to better my body now. I feel like I am entering the faze of "I no longer have any part of the baby, I have to get healthy again" and I think it is from seeing the ultra sound and having nothing there. Sad but it's a reality now.

I am excited by other things going on in my life right now other than losing weight. I am excited for the possibility of moving out of an apartment and into a house, and a worship conference this weekend. Life is looking up this week. I pray it continues to get better and more positive. I praise the Lord for all the work he is doing in me and my family.

Tired

I didn't post yesterday... weird I know. I actually had a really good day despite going to the doctor and realizing that the baby is really gone now, like out of me completely. It made me sad but I know it had to be done. I don't have to get a D & C PRAISE GOD!!! And the doctor took me off work for 1 more week PRAISE GOD!!! I kept myself pretty busy yesterday. Did A LOT of cleaning. The living room got a complete cleaning, so did the counters, stove, microwave, dishes and I even went through a cupboard to take out all the storage bottles that I used when I was pumping. It was an overall cleansing day for my house and body. Luckily McKayla took almost a 3 hour nap so I had time to finally do that stuff. I made a frozen Lasagna for dinner, target brand... NEVER EAT THAT!!! It taste like rubber. But after that Scott put the baby in the front carrier and we took a long walk...an hour. It was nice, then we came home and put the baby to bed. Started watching How to Train your Dragon but I fell asleep before the movie ended. I was tired! Scott woke me up to go to bed, and it's normally the other way around. I think everything just made me exhausted. It was great though.

Today I woke up with a call from the doctor about when to start taking my birth control pills, and of course right when I tried to go back to bed McKayla woke up. So I got her up and decided I wanted...needed to get her some warm weather clothes, since I was not prepared and she has almost none. So I called up Carolyn and we went to Once upon a Child. While taking a shower McKayla decided to roll and hit her head on the door frame... this started her crying. So I got out to see if she was ok, which she was, kissed her and put her down to get back to my shower... This started a almost non-stop day of crying so far. But I finally went to Once upon a Child. I got a bunch of cute things for her and only spent $41.00 it's great! But it reminded me that I wanted to sell the clothes I have right now for her... and that's another project I have, along with my own clothes. Then we met her husband and pastor Steve at Adalberto's and had lunch. While at lunch I just got really tired so I was glad when we left.

McKayla fell asleep in the Car on the way to lunch which was great because I actually got to eat, but she woke up from kids being loud. When we got home I took her out of the car seat and set her down, she instantly started to cry... it now has become a battle to stop her from crying. She was driving me crazy! But she is finally down for I think a much needed hopefully long nap. I want to take a nap too, but I thought I would take this opportunity to write since I just fell asleep yesterday.

I believe if it wasn't for all the prayers I have been getting I would not feel so good and like life is moving on already. Although still painful, it doesn't hurt so bad right now. I thank you for your prayers and ask if you could still pray for my family and comfort, as well as getting the for sure on the house in September. Thank you all for being so supportive and reading these. I am taking each day as they come. Now I am going to try and get a nap before McKayla wakes up.

Sunday Evening

I went to Linner (Lunch/Dinner) with Sharron today. My load has been lightened so much today. I felt happiness when it seemed far off. It was so good to spend a few hours chatting about the miscarriage and her trials and encouraging one another. To let my eyes fill with tears and have someone there who is feeling what I am going through with me because she cares. I have incredible friends. A few personal things happened tonight with my husband from this miscarriage I am not going to share on here for the sake of keeping it personal and between us but... it was beautiful (no I am not talking about sex). I think God used the miscarriage for this purpose (not this purpose alone). This is the first time I see how and a little bit of why it might have happened. I did not expect it to come so fast, but it doesn't answer the whole question and it might not ever.

Also I might have a house to rent by the time our lease is up on this dinky apartment!!! I pray it works out! I pray we can move into a house, this house! I pray it is his good and perfect will that we move there. I also pray if we do we help out the family renting it! How blessed we will be! It would feel so much better to have some space and a yard and places to store all the baby stuff from McKayla!!! Babies come with a TON of stuff and they are so TINY!!! Gotta love it! Pray for that house to work out please!

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and should be asleep right now, and am thankful I am not up to cry tonight, but because McKayla keeps waking up and fussing. I am pretty sure she is teething... oh what a wonderful stage... I pray that tomorrow when they do an ultra sound everything has passed. I had another clot today, assuming it was placenta but I don't know... it wasn't the fetus is all I know. I really pray it has all passed because I do not want another surgery. It puts me at risk because of the fact that my c-section scar isn't healed completely on the inside so it's a higher risk for piercing me and preventing me from having the ability to have more children. As well as my ITP platelet problem could cause internal bleeding, so no I don't want a D & C.

Ahh... sigh of some relief from the constant pain I have been having. What a roller coaster my life is. Praise you Lord in the good and in the bad.

Church today

I went to church this morning. First morning since we found out about the miscarriage. It was all good when I first walked in, a little nervous but sincerely thought I would do fine... I was wrong. Worship team played "Everything Falls" by Fee for practice before service. It crushed me and I had to run to the bathroom to cry. Trying not to be seen I went into an open stall and just cried. I tried to wait the ladies out that were in there but they were in conversation and it didn't seem to be ending so I tried to wipe my eyes off and walk out. Now when I cry you can tell most of the day that I have cried so playing it off didn't work. One of the ladies gave me a big hug and asked if I was Sandy, and when I replied yes she said she has been praying for me. The tears I was fighting back for the 2nd time came rolling out again.

So now everyone in church saw me and knew I had been crying. Most of them if not all of them knew why I was crying. Service started and I went to the front so people could only see the back of me because I knew I was going to bawl once they actually played the whole song. Then when worship started EVERY song they played made me cry. But then I couldn't hold back the bawling when they played "Everything Falls". It's an amazing song, it really is. But in the weak state I am in it spoke to me like never before.

"When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together, 

When everything falls apart Your the only hope for this heart,

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone I find you mighty and Strong,

You keep holding on, You keep holding on"

 That is the chorus, but the verses were full of descriptions of me right now. It was an emotional break down. One women from church came to my side and just sang and hugged me as I cried. It was really something that she came to try and comfort me. I know who she is but we don't know each other that well and still she came to my side to comfort me. That was so moving. I just lifted my hands and tried to sing through the sobbing. I praise God for that song. It's my life right now and he knew I needed that message. His arms are holding me together. When I break down he is holding me together. I would fall apart without him. Just like I said in a previous post. I would just lye on the floor and never get up. 

Jesus knows my heart and how to reach it. He did that today. He showed me how much people are there for me and care about what I am going through. He is apart of every good thing I go through and there to hold me when things are not so good. I praise him for how He loves me. 

I have coffee with a friend in a little while. I am glad for it. I am sure I will have more to write about later but for now, I am just loved by my wonderful Savior, because that's what he is... a Savior.

Distractions

Today was an okay day. I had distractions like cleaning, getting 2 new dressers (not the best looking things but hey they have space to hold clothes which was much needed), a better table and chairs and my dad's birthday party. But the time I had to myself in the shower to think was enough to bring me down. I haven't cried today, well not full on tears but I did get all teared up at a few points.

At the party, I was a little nervous to get there because I knew everyone there knew and I wasn't sure if I was ready to handle a big crowd of people saying I'm so sorry, but it was good practice for church tomorrow I guess. Well it was hard, very hard. I had to fight the tears because the last thing I wanted was to bring the party down and have it be all about me. Here is a picture of the cake we made for my Dad yesterday.

It just hits me at various times of the day now... not every second, but still frequent. I am trying to not dwell on it, but move on. I am trying to prepare myself for work which honestly I don't think I am going to be ready. I'll talk to the doctor on Monday and see what she can help out with, but then there is the finance issue. I can't just be missing work, but can I really work at work? Do you know how much time that is alone to let the thoughts creep up and make me bawl? I haven't had that much time to think alone, don't really want it. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want to be alone. I haven't since the day I started bleeding which is a week ago...technically it was a week and a day being that it's 12:02am but you know. 

Realizing it has been a week already just makes me feel like this is going to last forever. Then again I found out for sure I miscarried on Monday so who knows. I hate how fast the weekends go by. Not enough time in a weekend. Monday I will be alone. No one here to help me out with McKayla and keep me distracted. I am kind of scared about that, but life moves whether you do or not I guess. I have to face it some time or another, but I wish I didn't have to so soon.  I feel like the distractions are good because they help me move on with life.  And when I think about the miscarriage I want someone with me to just not have to say words that don't help, but just to hug me and not let go for a little bit. That is what is the most temporarily comforting, a long hug of a good friend. It's just going to be hard, who can I call that isn't working or busy taking care of kids? My best friend but she moved and doesn't have service at her house. But like I said, words aren't the comfort, hugs are.

I have been thinking about the little "funeral" I am wanting to have. Starting to think about doing it soon. I am going to talk to Pastor Steve tomorrow about that. See if we can get something planned out. I might start to feel some sort of closure then who knows, but it seems right.

I am not sure who is reading these posts anymore... it keeps track of how many people look at each post everyday and it goes down every post. If you are still taking the time to read these I am so grateful for you. I would love to know who you are so I can thank you personally. These posts have been such an outlet for me. And knowing that people are taking the time to read them and care just helps a lot, an awful lot. This is an incredibly hard journey to walk, and I know we weren't made to walk them alone so thank you for walking this with me. I couldn't do it without support.

Breath of Air

Tonight we had dinner with some pretty awesome friends from church. It was so nice to get out and have conversation with them. Both Scott and I felt the love from them and the sincere care for us as we go through this difficult time. It really was so helpful, just the invite alone gave me something to look forward to and a strong sense that someone really cared about this whole thing enough to have us for company. They have a beautiful new baby boy and I was glad to hold him and remember just how tiny my baby use to be (although she never was that small you know what I mean). They expressed concern for having a new born and us over given the circumstance, but It really was helpful and greatly appreciated. 

Another thing that was so helpful today was my sister and I baking a special cake for my dad's birthday party tomorrow. It gave me a focus and sort of an outlet. It was nice to do something special for someone else. Isn't it amazing how that works? Not to not focus on the situation at hand but to just give something to someone else every now and then. So so far today has been a good day. 

I am so glad it is Friday, although because of all the emotional things going on I forgot that we switched bible study nights and we didn't make it. We actually realized that when we were asked which group we switched to during dinner lol!!! It was funny, but hey maybe a small group was better tonight than anything else. I think it was, another way God is looking out for me. I am just glad Scott doesn't have to go to work tomorrow so when I start to feel alone tonight I can lean on Scott and not worry about how he has to get up early. Relief.

I am up for hanging out, and would really like to do more of that for the comfort of having actions show how much people care. It's really nice. It really shows people at church are really a family, there to meet each others needs. It's great to finally find that in a church. 

I praise you God for today, and for my church family. I pray they continue to help me in this healing process. I pray you continue to come along side me and hold me. I pray tonight I do not feel alone and defeated. I pray that you be with my family and keep us safe and positive. Also I pray for Melissa and her family, help her to heal and continue to bless people with her testimony and her personality. In Jesus name, Amen

I can't sleep

It's close to 2am. Tonight is the first night I have not taken Vicodin. I have not needed it for the past 2 nights because of the miscarriage, but for my back and neck pain. If I take Ibuprofen it effects my ITP (this I just learned Monday) so since I have Vicodin I took 1 and also I knew it would help me sleep. Tonight I didn't want to just take it to sleep, although I know that is the easy way to get sleep through this pain, emotional pain. Yes my back and neck hurt but I know I will only be taking it for an escape from thoughts. I am just at the point of questioning when this pain will fade to a dull pain. And how can that ever happen, my whole life from Monday on is going on missing something. I have already pictured having 2 children close together, riding bikes, camping, going to school and many others things. I have to alter my mind but in a way that doesn't cause so much pain. I went in to McKayla's room a few minutes before coming to write and just watch her sweet sleepy face. She rolled on her side to get more comfortable. She is so cute and I love her so much, and in that moment I felt all the love I have for her come out, but it went straight to the thought of my unborn child and what they might have been like. I know this will never be but I can't help but think about it.

How am I suppose to go on living everyday without being in deep pain from the memory of losing a child? How does that ever get to a point that I don't cry and I don't get super sad? It doesn't seem possible right now. I know in time it probably will but right now I just can't see how. This has just ripped me apart. I am down on the ground going on only because I have a family that needs my love. If it were just me and no one else in this world I would just lye on the floor and cry and cry and never get up. That is how I feel. This is such a roller-coaster of emotion. This is the first time I have been alone without anyone around watching me or awake. It is an awful feeling right now. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me, tell me it will be ok and that this pain will fade overtime to just a pleasant thought of meeting my child in heaven. I want to curl up in someones arms and just be held. Physically be held like a child.

I need help getting through this. I need support and company. I need to remember what it feels like to be around friends having fun. I need to remember the good things in life and all the blessings that have been given to me. It's easier to do when the sun is shining and I am in good company, but hard to when I am alone in the dark. Ugh it would be so much easier to just take a Vicodin and fall asleep, but fortunately I am not an addict and don't plan on letting anything make me one so, I wont take one.

Ugh, do you ever get all stuffed up and a headache from bawling your eyes out? That is what I have right now, and a lot of pressure in the back of my jaw. I can't wait to be ok with this. I can't wait until this isn't a stabbing pain every 5 minutes of every day. Oh Lord hear my pain and ease it PLEASE!!! This is awful! I hate it! I hate this part!! Why did I get pregnant if you were just going to take it away?... Just venting. Praise you Lord because Your ways are not mine and it's always because You see the whole picture and I see a tiny fraction.

Friends I am asking for your help. I don't know what to do. I am not use to this much pain. Pray for me, be here for me and just love me.

Another day

Today is another day, just like tomorrow will be. Another day of learning how to just let the emotions come as they will for a while. Today is another day of me thinking about my unborn child and reliving when I saw it come out. It still feels like someone punched me as hard as they could straight in the gut. It's been a little stressful with all this emotion and my baby at 6 months old being fussy because she wants to crawl but is only successful at going backwards. She just gets so mad because she wants to get somewhere but doesn't know how. I understand this frustration but it makes my day harder. I am grateful my family has come over to help me with her and let me rest especially in the morning. (Side note... I think it is weird that you spell great, but when you spell grateful it's spelled like when you grate cheese... I think is should be greatful not grateful because you are never full of grate...). I got out of the house again today, walked to Big Lots and got my secret sister a few thing for Easter. It was nice to think about how to make someone else smile. Also to get some good vitamin D from the sun to help perk me up. I also picked up some sunscreen for the baby, Scott and I. It's gone from a freezing winter straight to summer... no spring. I wish it didn't do that, but it's a beautiful day and I made sure to enjoy it.

I have a different outlook on life now. I hope it doesn't fade. It's a miracle to be here in life, and I don't want to take it for granted anymore... if the sun is shining I will just be thankful for it, if it is raining I will praise God we are not in a drought. I want a more positive outlook while still being able to grieve or have emotion for whatever time it is needed. I praise God more now than ever for the life of my 1st child McKayla. Even though she is frustrating me with all her whining. Melissa Paoloni has been a big influence for me with her positive attitude and writing. I am so thankful for her.

I may break down again tonight I may not. Either way I am learning the grieving process. Not that I haven't had experience with death, because trust me I have had overwhelming experiences in my life. My first loss was at 7 years old when my best friend drown. But this is different, it was my own flesh and blood. I was attached in only a way a mother knows. Unless you have had this experience you will never understand this pain, and I pray you never will. To think apart of you is gone, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but ache (I am now starting to cry) and long for the day when you can meet face to face. To say I love you so much and we have never met, but I wished everyday for it. Never a day has gone by that in my heart I didn't want to hold you and to kiss you, to know you and watch you grow. What a glorious day that will be. I really pray you never know that pain, and if you have, I grieve not only for my own loss but for the pain I feel for you and your loss.

I still have a child and a family, and I am so glad I get to hold them anytime I want. That I will not take for granted. Who knows why my baby didn't make it, I have my suspicions but no one but the Creator will know for now. I still am struggling with the positive side of losing this child. Like, hey now I can go exercise and get back into shape, I can eat sushi, I can lift more that 15-25lbs soon, I can look for a new job... and many other things because it feels as if I am saying I am glad the baby died, but I know this isn't true. I know that it's just a realization of things I can do, but I feel weird because I shouldn't be able to... I was pregnant. Everyday when I see the blood (I will be bleeding just like I would be after giving birth for a while) I think this isn't right... I should be growing new life... it's a strange thing to have to transition from HOLY CRAP I'M PREGNANT AGAIN AND I HAVE AN INFANT!!! to embracing the pregnancy, then to I am not pregnant and lost a child... it's a whirlwind of emotion, like being on a boat and tossed around the waves not knowing when the storm will clear.

I still need friends and families prayers and support. I still need the comfort of my Heavenly Father to get me through this. At times I want to crawl into a corner and just shut the world out, but I know that would solve nothing. My close friends and family, this blog has been my way of venting and talking to people. My way of coping. Please keep reading these to understand what I am going through and support me with your love and kindness. It means so much to me. Thank You.

Just Grieve

How blessed I am. I broke down tonight, fighting it all the way. After about 15-20 minutes into it I thought it would be a good idea to call up my pastor and his wife to have them come over. Scott made the call and they gladly came over. What a difference it made. Pastor Steve is always great about giving you the right questions to help you get through or talk about what you are going through. I thank God for that Man and his wife Cheryl.

I over analyze most things in my life but mostly my the big emotions usually anger and sadness. I feel what I am feeling but don't let myself get fully indulged in the emotion. For example when I cry I think about why I cry, and should I really be crying over this, or is this really something to cry about, and also am I really feeling this way. So many of these thoughts take me away from actually feeling the emotion and in this case grieving over it. Tonight it was reinforced, it is ok to cry, it is ok to feel how I am feeling with out getting over it quickly. It is ok to really grieve. I never have this problem when I feel for other people but only when I have extreme emotion myself, like this miscarriage.

For the first time in my life I just cried out of pure grief yesterday. It was when I passed my unborn child. The only time I have every just cried without thinking of the situation. But tonight when I broke down I started doing it again. Telling myself that I understand what happened and I can't change it, and my baby is in heaven now so why am I crying? Pastor Steve quoted Ecclesiastes 3

¹ There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,

   a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,

   a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,

   a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,

   a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,

   a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,

   a time for war and a time for peace.

A time to weep and a time to mourn... It is time and it is ok. I need to let myself just do this and know it is ok. I feel freedom in these words. Freedom to feel without judgement. Friends I am sad... I feel like I have died inside. Today was a good day but I cannot shake this sadness and loss. I need to grieve and let myself be fully immersed in it. I also need to cut myself some slack and realize this doesn't have a time frame. There are no rules to follow on this. I just want to cry, no words, just tears.

Also earlier I was thinking this doesn't feel right... if it was born it would have had a funeral, and just because it didn't make it alive out of my womb doesn't mean it doesn't deserve some closure. Then when Pastor Steve and Cheryl were here they started to ask me about thinking about doing something like that and I jumped and said I already did and it want to have a little service with the people I am close to to say good bye to this loved unborn child. I don't care who thinks it's crazy, it was a life and it was apart of me.

There was a lot of good conversation exchanged and I am so blessed to have them in my life. To guide me along and give me confidence in times of need. The whole time Scott was there supporting me as I poured out what was on my heart. He is such a good man.

I am sad, heart broken, relieved, devastated, grateful and tired. That pretty much sums me up right now. This is hard, harder than I thought I knew anything could be. I am proud to say I think I can or at least am learning how to grieve freely and know that this is perfectly ok as long as I keep going with the curves life throws at me. I am in Love with my Heavenly Father because I know he is here with me grieving along side of my sadness because he understands loss.

Thank you Lord for your presence, your peace and the ability to feel whether it is happy, angry or sad. I thank you for the support you have surrounded me with in this devastating time. Continue to come along side me and help grieve and lean on your everlasting love. I know this loss is a mystery we all wonder about, but I trust in you that you have a reason and love behind everything you do for your children. I love you.

Amen

It's a New Day

Today is a New Day. It's also a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining just a light breeze. So much to be thankful for. My Family was here to support me yesterday (and my sister has been awesome in coming over everyday to help me out!) and I can call on them anytime, I have a beautiful little girl, a wonderful husband who knows how to care for me when I go through extremely hard times, a church that has prayers for me everyday, and amazing friends who can feel my pain and cry with me. I am rich in love. I have lost a life, but gained so many things already. I realize I will be sad from time to time wishing in 6 1/2 to 7 months I could be holding my 2nd child in my arms. But Jesus is doing that for me right now. He is also holding me right now, comforting me in my pain and helping me move on.

Right now I can't see why my miscarriage happened, but in time I believe it will be reveled. My cousin Tammy also lost children and has recommended this book called "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford. I am looking forward to getting the book as soon as I am comfortable getting out of the house. I think that will be soon, it's only because of the fact that I need rest and healing time that I am not ready to get out. I think I am ready for people to visit if anyone wants... my house is out of order right now. I was in the middle of going through baby clothes to save if I had a girl, and going through my own clothes that I wouldn't be able to fit into for a while... now I have to redo those things. But if you are up for seeing me and not caring about our mess, I am ready.

I really got to talk to Scott last night and hear how he feels. We had what I felt was an amazing connection talking through loosing our child. It really helped me to hear how he felt, because he wouldn't have talked about it if I didn't ask. He was just concentrating on being there for me. Then we read Chapter 3 of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan to just concentrate on the love God has for us. He is mourning our loss with us. 

Although yesterday was the hardest day of my life, I needed that to happen to move on. Seeing the fetus I could have done without, but the passing is good for my body and what needed to happen to move on physically and a step in moving on emotionally. I guess I wouldn't have been sure, without seeing it, if I had passed it. I praise God through all of this and ask still for prayers and encouragement.

Hardest Day of my life

Today was by far the hardest day of my life. I passed my unborn child. The doctor said when it passed it would just look like a big blood clot and I wouldn't be able to see or tell what anything was... this was not true. I saw my unborn fetus. (This is going to be graphic so do not read on if you don't want to hear about this, skip to the next paragraph, but I need to say it). I went to the bathroom and felt blood come out like normal except something was hanging. When I wiped it was there, I had to put it off... I saw the sac surrounding the fetus. The fact that I had to flush it down the toilet disturbed me a great deal. How can I flush it down the same tube that waste goes down? It didn't feel right, that life isn't a waste. There was a heart beat, it had a life for a short time. I cried and cried as my heart just broke down to what seemed to be close to nothing. 

I am so glad some one was there with me, to hold me and let me cry. At first I just cried aloud sitting there thinking about this baby I lost. The baby I had just lost kept coming in to my mind... dead... I lost a baby. It is still boggling my mind. My sister had called Scott, who was coming home after being told I needed him through tears. I finally had the strength to get up off the toilet, but just stood there and cried... Carolyn (who graciously made me breakfast/lunch this morning) was there, and asked if I was clothed so she could come in. She did and just held me as I cried and told her what I saw. Saying it out loud made it so much more painful because it was almost more real. UHH the pain of this lost is much greater than yesterday. I didn't want to see it... I knew it would hurt more. But I did and now I am trying to deal with it and move on.

I finally washed the blood off my hands and moved out to the living room couch as my Mom showed up to hug me and cry with me. She'd gone through the same thing years ago between my sister and I. She knows the pain and just let me cry and I am sure it brought back the same pain. Although more soothed, I was not comforted and don't think I will be for a while. I do praise God that he let me have this early in the pregnancy instead of later after I felt it kick then have to give birth to a still born... I can't imagine.

Scott finally got home and held me. It was our child, it felt good for him to be there with me, to hold me. I told him what I saw and what I had done. I told him I couldn't flush it, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He asked if I would like him to do it, I said yes, but told him wait. I couldn't hear the flush yet. Ugh it felt like murder at the thought. Finally after a while of crying I told him to do it. It was hard, but I had to tell myself that isn't our baby anymore. It's just Its flesh, and one day I will be only flesh. A little while later I found more flesh in my pad. It ripped me up inside. My baby is in Heaven and as a good friend quoted a song, Jesus has a rocking chair.

It's weird to think I never met my unborn child. It does give me great hope and joy that I will meet my baby someday in Heaven and it will be perfect, without harm or suffering. I pray again Lord, heal my hurt and draw me into Your arms for comfort and Love.

Miscarriage

I have been wanting to start a blog for a little while now so I can just write out my thoughts and feelings, and if others want to read whats on my mind then they can. Today's events made me feel like today was probably a good day to start this, since I don't really want to actually talk to anyone.

I started bleeding on Saturday and knew something wasn't right. I called the advice nurse and she told me it didn't sound urgent so she gave me a phone appointment for today, Monday at noon. A little after 9am I got a call. The doctor said in light of the information she got she thought I might need an appointment so she called early. I told her that my bleeding had gotten increasingly heavier over the few day. She had me call my office and schedule an emergency ultra sound. I got the appointment and since the advice nurse on Saturday put me on pelvic rest (no lifting, no exercise, no intercourse etc.) I called my mother-in-law to come help me get to the appointment with McKayla (my daughter).

Over the course of the weekend I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I knew my body probably wasn't able to handle another pregnancy before I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I went in to the office and the ob/gyn checked my cervix, then gave me an ultra sound. I know what normal 8-9 week babies look like on an ultra sound... and what I saw was not an 8-9 week baby... nor did I see the flicker of a heart beat. My heart just dropped because I knew what she was going to tell me.

When going for the first ultra sound for the second baby, I knew it was weird when the first day of my last period didn't match the age of the baby, but I figured I must have ovulated late because of the hormones from my previous pregnancy. I should have been 8 weeks along, the ultra sound measured at 6 weeks, and there was a heart beat. At today's appointment she said, your baby is measuring only six weeks and I am so sorry but there is no heart beat. This means the baby was already not doing good from the first time I had the ultra sound but because the heart was still beating we couldn't know for sure if anything was wrong.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears came down my face from the emotions running through me. I mean we didn't plan this pregnancy so at first I was very upset. I didn't want to go through that again so soon, but I embraced it and came to be very excited. Then all of the sudden I lost it. A wave of sadness came, and... a wave of relief, followed by a wave of guilt for feeling relieved. I mean I wasn't ready, I was stressed about money, and living space. But by no means did I ever want to not have this baby, I came to love the thought of McKayla having a close sibling, hoping it might be a boy. How horrible of me to feel relieved!! I still feel a small sense of guilt for that, but am glad people were there to help me realize that this is normal.

I keeping having these waves of emotion... and the horrible sickness I feel because I have something inside of me that died. It's horrible. I hope that posting these blogs help me work through and get out some of these emotions to move on. I pray that God helps me understand why this happened. I pray out of this I am drawn closer to our maker, for I know one day I will meet my unborn child.