Just Sandy

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Been awhile

Ever feel like life sucks? Well I do too! I am going through another one of those hard times... I ask (or yell depending on the circumstance or mood) Will this ever end!!??!! I know the answer to this... Yes it will, but the next question is when? and then how long until crap flips my life upside down again?  Those my friends I do not have an answer for and frankly I hate that. I want to plan my whole life and stick to the plan. It seems simple right? If I make good decisions with my life, like how to spend my money, know how to SAVE my money, be on a schedule, make goals and work at achieving them, have good morals, stick to them no matter what, evenly divide my time to make sure I don't go crazy... Things like this... Now I like planning, I like organization (you wouldn't know it from my house at the moment but I do!) I like knowing the plan and attacking it. I am a "go getter" I do whatever I set my mind to. Well This year just BLEW in so many way can I just say. I mean come on!!! Let me make a list (her comes my organizing)

1. Had a baby and now have to go back to work... which was a place I HATED
2. SURPRISE! Your are pregnant 3 months postpartum and just found out you are 1 month along!
3. Surprise... you lost it...
4. Deal with Miscarriage while going to work at a place that sucks and has no care that you just lost a piece of you
5. Move to a better place, Quit Crappy Job, SURPRISE your husband lost his job for the 2nd time in your 3 year marriage, but now you have a baby and pay more rent and are both unemployed besides a commission job... Go for a dream position with music... DENIED
6.  Car registration is due...on both cars oh what? No money to pay for it?... Crap
7.Get sick and miss or have 1 month of commission shows canceled
8. Great 2nd car wont start... and still isn't registered
9.Get daycare, seem like things are looking up but find out kids wont be there anymore shortly (I'm not mad about that it just another financial hit)
10. Husband has a job that has gone full time YAY!!! But it's night and now you miss him and feel incredibility lonely
11. Suddenly get super sick and go to the ER 2 times, and take forever to get over it, and feel more alone because I can't see anyone!

This is me... I am not pouting or asking for sympathy... I just need to vent... I am SO done with this! I am sick of creditors calling me... wondering what I have to not pay this month so I can pay next months rent... I feel like my life this year has been a downward spiral... I have to give credit to some many blessings now:

1. I have a beautiful, smart, extremely happy and funny, AMAZING baby girl who is growing everyday!
2. I have an amazing husband who is always there for me
3. I have had some great support this year with friends and family
4. I have been able to keep sponsoring my "child" in Kenya
5. Rent has been paid every month (Thanks to some help a few times)

I know there is more but honestly they are not coming to me... I feel really discouraged... I keep praying for a relief that lasts more than a few weeks. I want stability. I don't want to move AGAIN! I don't want to worry about bills ESPECIALLY Rent! The feeling of not being able to provide our own home for our daughter feels horribly irresponsible! But I have NO CONTROL! I HATE THAT! I want like I said to make a plan and attack it, but life takes you on a ride and it's a bumpy one...

The thing that keeps me going honestly, is that I do know this will end and I am only put through these things because I am being shown something. I am growing. I am not alone in dealing with this even though at times I feel VERY lonely, but that is mostly because of my personality. I love human interaction. I like being around other people... adults. I am at home all day with kids, then (still) don't have a working second car (and if it was working it still isn't registered) so I am stuck at home unless someone has time or wants to make time to come visit me or will take me somewhere. That is hard for my type of people with a social craving. But I am not alone. Jesus  is with me... cheesy? Not at all. He knows what it's like to be alone, like you are the only one going through something that totally sucks. I know he is telling me to talk to him more, and just share with him. This is an area I sometimes struggle in. Remember I said I am a social person? Well I am... but more when you are in front of me, or sometimes on the phone. I like the people that I can actually hear words from, but sometimes they still can't comfort. I am working on talking to him, and I find that best when writing and maybe that's because that's a lot of how God communicates. I mean there is a WHOLE book with his words lol! I like writing, sometimes typing when I have a lot to say and it wants to come out faster than I can write with a pen or pencil. I type much faster than print. But other times the pen to paper gives me an outlet, just the physical release of words on a piece of paper is therapy...
I don't know how long I will be out of work and a regular paycheck. I know I am trying my hardest to bring in income and balance money. I don't know how long this downward spiral is, I don't know a lot. But one thing I know is I am stressed and if I don't get it out I am going to do damage to my body with all this stress and with trying to recover from the horrible sickness still it is going to take a lot longer. I believe in Prayer. Please pray for me and my family. Pray things will look up and this trail will end and that we will be stronger and smarter. Also that we will stable out financially.
I know I am not alone in some of these daily struggles so I will pray for my fellow strugglers. It isn't all about me and it wont last forever. My Jesus will deliver me out of this darkness and bring me new bright happiness... even if that doesn't happen until the day I see his face (I pray that isn't the case, that it gets better sooner) I will wait for that glorious day.

Jesus, you hear and see my struggles, I pray you jump in where I have no control and relieve me of my stresses. I pray for stability especially financially. I pray for happiness and good times. I thank you for every blessing I listed and didn't. I pray I never forget who you are and how much power you have to do anything. I pray I never put you in a box and think there is something you can't do. I ask for a miracle. Revive this heart, and country. I am not alone in these struggles. I am thankful I have you for many people do not. I pray you reach out to them and take the yolk off them too.
I love you!