Today I was asked to share for a MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers) on what not to say to women who have miscarried. I also added what to say and do to that list. While writing it I cried, but was really happy to write it. After the MOPS group I asked if it was helpful and her answer was "Very much thank you! Everyone was like awe that's great to know". That inspired me to post what I wrote to her and share with others:
What NOT to say to someone who miscarried:
1. How are you?
Sounds weird, I know, because this is the go to question. This question was really hard to digest because honestly I wasn't doing good and I didn't want to talk about it. It was obvious I wasn't doing good and didn't think it was something that needed to be asked.
2. It will get better
This also bothered me because I needed comfort at the time. I needed the freedom to grieve. Hinting to look ahead made it almost so I couldn't just grieve for my loss. And obviously time usually heals but this doesn't really have a time frame you should just be better by. It's been almost 2 years and I still out of nowhere get extremely sad and just need to cry and remember that I won't ever forget because it's not something you wanted to happen BUT isn't something you want to forget because you will always love what you lost.
3. I know/imagine how you feel (when the person has never miscarried), and I think I had one.
This actually happened to me. I was in the bathroom at church crying from the song "When everything falls apart" that was played by the worship team. I was trying to pull it together and go back out when a lady had heard about my miscarriage came in hugged me and said I think I had a miscarriage... Ugh really lady? You think? Well I KNOW! and when you KNOW it hurts something fierce so stop trying to make it what it wasn't! That is of course not what I said but thought. And other people said I can imagine how you feel... Well truth is, you CAN NOT unless you have. You can't know what it's like to lose a child and don't try it doesn't help either party.
THINGS TO SAY/DO
1. I am here for you
2. Let me know what you need
3. Bring food (even if that person isn't eating, it might help them eat, or give them something to eat because it is so draining on your whole body physically and emotionally and you don't feel like cooking and need rest)
4. Pray for, and let the other person know that you are thinking about them via card.
5. Help them clean house and possibly babysit for a bit if they have another child so they can have time to cry without worry of another child and mom and dad can have time together to digest or just cry together.
The biggest thing you can do is keep an open line of communication and let them grieve. It was nice to have people around but only for small periods of time. The reason being is when you have company, you feel obligated to not cry, or be some sort of host and it can make a person really uncomfortable just to break down when that is exactly what they need to do sometimes. When you let yourself cry harder than you ever had because it hurts so bad it also makes you feel bad for the person there, because you know if it was you watching them cry your heart would break and you don't want to make them sad or cry either. UNLESS you are REALLY close friends then it can be nice to have someone else to cry with.
