Just Sandy

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Friday, January 30, 2015

When I make it

Life is a mess, and life is beautiful, and life sucks and life is amazing. Life is such a ride, a road with unexpected twists and turns, hills and valleys. I sit here typing this as today marks day 4 my daughter has had a fever and my husband and I have had to miss 2 days of work each, in the midst of financial hardship already. Oh and we don't have medical insurance yet... one more day of this and I am taking her in regardless of what I won't be able to pay.

I was having a conversation the other night with a small group of friends that get together and have bible study every week about life and hope. In fact, in all areas of my life things keep leading me to keeping having hope and pushing on because things will in fact get better. How insane is it that last Sundays sermon was about having hope? It was like the entire sermon was directed at my family, especially me. What I have come to decide is that hope sounds like an amazing thing but sometimes it truly sucks, and I believe that was said on Sunday. In my mind I shouted "AMEN!" because that is EXACTLY how I feel.

One of the things touched on in bible study this week was how we always look to the future and set an age or finished accomplishment as a marker for "when we have made it". When you are young you think when I grown up and move out I will be successful, or I will have "made it". Then one day that thing happens and you are left with almost a sense of loss that that thing you have been striving or longing for is done, over and gone and you aren't where you thought you would be.  

I am 26 and yeah, yeah, yeah, some of you will think I am old, some of you will think I am young but I certainly thought my life would look different than it does. A broke mother of 1 child that will most-likely stay an only child given my genetic make-up, still working on my degree with a husband that is as well. Being a full-time working mother feeling torn between having to be responsible for income and still being a mother when my child is sick and needs me home. I pictured myself with 2 kids at this point, for sure a dog, a nice but not extravagant 3 bedroom house with a yard being a stay at home mom, maybe working from home part time and certainly I had a great savings account. At least 3-6 months income in the bank. Reality is I have almost none of what I pictured.

So where does that leave me? Stressed out and dying to not be in my current situation? Yes, but more than that. I have this hope (honestly annoying hope) that things will get better and that my life isn't made by money. things or even what I though my life "should" be by now. It's about what I get out of these crappy times, and what I do moving forward. Do I give up? I certainly could, but won't. I will cry many tears, yell and scream at God (which has happened more than normal lately) asking why, and what the heck, and do you really think this is necessary and so on and so forth. The other day after a VERY hard day at work with some girls who don't really care for my presence I literally for the first time EVER just screamed because I had no more words for stress and emotions I felt. I screamed loud and hard in the car by myself and yes some if not most of it was directed at God. I prefer to be an honest person, honest with myself, everyone I know and God... I think he's a big boy and can handle my emotions. 

Anyway, back to this hope... I have it and I will push on beyond this bump in the road because my hope is not in the world, but in the Lord. All this will pass away and 10 years from now I may look back at this time and say "Wow, that wasn't as bad as it seemed" or "Yeah, that was awful and I am so glad it is over". After all this I will know that I grew, and that it didn't last forever. Nothing last forever but God and His kingdom. As annoying as that sounds, even to myself right now because I feel anything but perky and joyful, I know it to be truth and the truth is what I cling to, because that is when I will have finally made it.

"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away"- Matthew 24:35

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful"- Hebrews 10:23

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