Today was a tough day. If you are new to my blog HEY! If not you know that I am now working full time and have a husband who works nights and am a mom of an almost 2 year old. Since I have had my daughter I have not worked more than 16 hours a week, and when I did I was watching kids at my house with her. SO needless to say this is not easy. My daughter misses me like crazy... and I am fairly certain she is punishing me because she is mad when I have to leave or put her to bed or have to tell her no (which that part is normal at her age and I get). Today was the worst day of all though. I have spent most of the evening crying.
It started with me not being able to say good bye this morning because she was asleep and I wasn't dropping her off today. If I tried to kiss her good bye I would have woken her up and then caused everyone else to have to listen to her cry as I left so I decided against it and just barley peeked on her before I left. And of course like every other day I miss her and feel bad that I am not a full time mom anymore. When I got home she told me she was hungry so I fixed her dinner. She is on this kick of only liking a few things: PB&J, Chicken Nuggets, Crackers, Yogurt and Banana's. None of these things were on the menu. I gave her meatloaf and mashed potatoes... 2 months ago she would have eaten it. Today she pushed the plate away the second my hand left the plate. I told her that was what was for dinner and she needed to try it. This apparently was the worst thing ever and she threw a huge fit and bawled her eyes out. Then I tried to get her down from the chair and she wouldn't let me do that... After I got her down she told me she was hungry (again). I said well that was your dinner... she threw another fit.
A few minutes after she calmed down she wanted one of her favorite toys that was outside by the pool, so we went to go get it... she walked straight to the pool and told me she wanted to kick. I said "baby you can't right now you have pants on". She threw her body on the ground and had another tantrum. I picked her up brought her inside where a movie was on for her, and she decided to continue the tantrum on the couch.
After this I had enough. I hadn't been home for 12 hours and was tired and really not in the mood. SO I picked her up took her to her room (which caused louder screaming) and told her when she was done crying she could come out. WELL she got hysterical and it was too much... so I picked her up a few minutes later and just held her. She was clutching me (as she has been doing since I started work, never wanting me to go and crying. She has different cries. This cry is sadness and breaks my heart.) So I take her out of her room to calm her down. She wailed in my arms clutching me and pushing me, kicking and blowing boogers all over me. This made me cry. I cried for my obligation to go to work to make money and leave her with anyone else, to have to only see her 2 hours a night and for putting her to bed while she cries for me because I know I have to put her to bed, but feel guilty for her not getting more time with me. I just kept thinking this isn't fair, to her or me. I am the mom, I should be able to stay home and tend to her, raise her and discipline her without feeling this guilty because I never see her! I miss her! She did this for I'd guess about 20 minutes. I just held her rubbing her back and cried silently.
I also have this childcare issues with getting a new sitter because of some medical issues with my current one (which are totally understandable and I don't blame her one bit). Let's just say I have only a few options because I don't want her in an unsafe place that I am not comfortable with (Daycare facility). Some of the options have been limited (with reason) because I share a house, but that is what is also causing stress. I feel like I can't win, nor can I afford to spend a ton of money on childcare.
Does anyone understand? I am not really wanting advise (because Lord knows everyone gives that freely) I am just wanting someone to understand and tell me I am not a horrible mom, and I am not messing my child up, that I am making a better future for her and our little family. But even if I am told that... will it help? I don't know.
It is hard being a mom.