1 month mark

Yesterday was the 1 month mark for the miscarriage (4 weeks). I was really busy with things to do for church and seeing a friend who I haven't seen in over 2 years! I met her sister-in-law and her 18 month old baby too! It was a pretty good day. Over Easter and Yesterday's conversation I have talked a lot to people about my miscarriage, especially Scott's cousin who I didn't know had one too. I held back the tears as we talked about it. It is still a very overwhelming feeling when I relive it all, but I am able to cope now. 

I think it is strange that we get comfort from people who have experienced the same pain. Only because you know that they have experienced the same pain, and you are comforted by knowing someone else had pain. It's just strange, but it really does help, not to say we would ever have wanted that for them but that because you now share something very personal and emotionally scaring.

I have been losing weight and getting back into shape since I have been able to exercise. I feel good about it now and love to work out, as before I was feeling guilty because I felt I was still carrying a baby and shouldn't be doing the things I was. It feels nice to be getting my body back in shape (and realizing that it is not what it once was every time I work out... that's not the nice part though!). 

I feel sometimes I got "over" this too quick, but I then realize I am not "over" it I am just at an acceptance stage. But it still feels like I got there fast, which is an answered prayer because my only prayer was for comfort and I now have it. I know my baby is waiting up in Heaven and never had to suffer one day in this awful world. It knows our Lord and Savior, something I only dream about for now. I get to meet my child in his or her perfected form, and he or she will meet me in mine. It give me hope and something more to look forward to. Makes Heaven almost more real in a sense. 

My church family has gotten me through a lot of this and I believe it was all the support and prayers on my behalf that got me to this point. I Thank God for them and their love for me and my family. Without them I would still feel heavy and depressed. I pray in some way I can use this situation to comfort someone else in their sufferings. That they can look at me and say "The memory and sadness will never go away but I see I can be happy and go on living life in the fact that I will one day meet my child". Maybe it will help their healing process. It will not answer any questions most likely because I still have questions of my own, but help the healing.

I am blessed. I am able to get pregnant and some women long for that. I was able to carry and have my 1st born, and some people will never know that. I have a wonderful church family, family, and friends. I am surrounded by people who love me. I am blessed. Thank you Jesus.

Catch up

This is a catch up blog. I want to go over a little bit of my life for the past...hmmm about 15 months.

Find out I'm pregnant for the first time, while thinking I was going to get fired for the $100 I happened to be short on the day I found out. (They found it 2 days later by the way...)

3 months Pregnant move out of my parents (We were trying to pay off some debt and move into a house before we got pregnant so to fast track it we moved in with my parents for 3-4 months) and into our own 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment while struggling with the stupid sciatica (if you don't know what that is look at this link Sciatica ).

Sometime between 4 and 5 months find out that my blood work was coming back with SUPER HIGH white blood cells and dipping platelets and no one knowing why. As well as Battling extreme exhaustion and not understanding why I was what seemed to be beyond normal "pregnancy tired"

6 months pregnant and being put at part time work 20-25 hours a week. Continue to do blood work and see things worsen. Then having to go to non-stress tests twice a week for monitoring. Also had blood work sent out for the screening of a platelet antibody, which came back negative a week or so later)

7 1/2 months be taken out of work completely because of pure exhaustion and quit a bit of swelling, Preeclampsia, and still high white blood cells and extremely low platelets.

9 months (35- 36 weeks pregnant) take myself to the hospital because I was extremely swollen and had tingling in my hands. Finding out that I had "GTP" or Gestational Thrombocytopenia (Thrombocytopenia in Pregnancy) which is a low platelet count because my body created a rare antibody that the previous screening wasn't looking for. Being told I have to be induced in 2 weeks and my risk of a c-section was higher now, but more risky because if my platelets drop I could bleed out.

9 1/2 months pregnant (38 weeks) went to the hospital to be induced (this was a Saturday), Monday early morning finally getting to 10cm to push. Over 3 1/2 hours later being told the baby isn't coming out and I have to have an emergency c-section, being Rushed to the surgery room and hearing my platelets had dropped to my lowest ever. 7:22am Monday morning had my BEAUTIFUL baby girl McKayla. 

1 hour after giving birth I am in the recovery room shaking from the anesthesia and loss of blood that they can not get to stop. Not able to hold my brand new baby... Thinking I was going to die.

3 hours after giving birth finally started to clot and stop bleeding.

4 hours after giving birth... I FINALLY get to hold my baby, but can barely see her because the blood loss, and stress on my body from labor.

4 1/2 hours after giving birth I got my baby taken from me because I passed the antibody to her and she has to go to the NICU.

2 Days after giving birth finding her platelet count was so low losing a few more would put her in danger of spontaneous bleeding and she could die. Having to make a HUGE decision to give her an IGIV (immune globulin (intravenous) (IGIV) medical facts from Drugs.com) and them not know if that could harm her or just watch as she potentially dips into the low number... Praying, and finally doing the IGIV 

5 days after giving birth I get to go home and find out... McKayla doesn't.

6 days after giving birth we FINALLY FINALLY get to take our baby home!!! PRAISE GOD!!

During McKayla's 1st month home I had to take her in every week for blood testing.

4-5 months after having McKayla finding out I was again pregnant... then that I do not have GTP I have ITP Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP)which means I can't avoid the platelet issue like the doctors said I could because it's permanent not gestational, and being told I can no longer take Ibuprofen because it drops my platelets. 

10-11 weeks after finding out, I found out the baby stopped growing, had no heart beat and was dead.

2 Days later passing the fetus.

2 weeks later going back to work, and while taking the company mail I backed into my co-workers car denting her fender and my bumper...

Today (1 day later) get a call from my sister and McKayla has been screaming/crying non-stop for over 2 hours. Having to take her to the Doctor to find out if she has an ear infection or something. Making my bosses SUPER mad that I had to take her to the Doctor and leave for 2 hours... Then find out she is only teething but getting 4 teeth at once.

My thoughts now... I have made it through so much... God has been there with me through it all and helped me jump these hurdles... I love Him for that... so...

BRING ON WHATS NEXT!!! or give me a break please!

Short Post

This is just a short post to say I am exhausted and have been pretty busy, so busy I haven't had a lot of time to blog. But everyday gets better and I have a lot to look forward to. Hopefully I have time to post more soon!

This link

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42191453/ns/today-today_people/?gt1=43001

This was shared with Scott and I by the worship leader and friend at our church. The part where the little boy saw his sister in heaven that he didn't even know his mother had miscarried gives me hope. I cried when they talked about it. It gave me great hope to what I already knew. I hope that this story is real  (because it is tv) but I do believe it. *Deep Breath* My heart has hope and peace.

I praise you Lord that you take care and love the little children.

Saving Money and other stuff

Lately I have been trying to find ways to save money, make money and keep money. I am going to try and start selling jewelry to possibly quit my day job, stop paying for someone to watch my kids, and make more money in less time. Strange that as I have been pondering these money issues TLC is having a extreme couponing show. After watching this (which they go way over board with their stock piles!) I now understand how to do it and get stuff free... Since I stay home I am going to try and devote (over time) a couple of hours to finding good deals to try and save money and pay down debt with savings. 

I have been feeling (as I have been describing it) less heavy about the miscarriage. It still hurts, especially when you see a commercial that says "We are pregnant" or a pregnancy test commercial and such. When I say I lost a baby or had a miscarriage it doesn't hit me as much as when I hear it out of another persons mouth. When someone else says it my stomach drops. I believe this might always happen but lessen as time goes on. I have to tell myself that I will see my baby one day, but for now it still feels like we are missing a family member, because we are.

I have been losing weight but mostly inches. My pants are huge on me right now, ad it's wonderful. This is a step in moving on. Getting into better shape. I have been walking for an hour for the past few nights and it really feels great to calm McKayla down and get outside and exercise. I can't wait to feel in shape again. I am not feeling as guilty to want to better my body now. I feel like I am entering the faze of "I no longer have any part of the baby, I have to get healthy again" and I think it is from seeing the ultra sound and having nothing there. Sad but it's a reality now.

I am excited by other things going on in my life right now other than losing weight. I am excited for the possibility of moving out of an apartment and into a house, and a worship conference this weekend. Life is looking up this week. I pray it continues to get better and more positive. I praise the Lord for all the work he is doing in me and my family.

Tired

I didn't post yesterday... weird I know. I actually had a really good day despite going to the doctor and realizing that the baby is really gone now, like out of me completely. It made me sad but I know it had to be done. I don't have to get a D & C PRAISE GOD!!! And the doctor took me off work for 1 more week PRAISE GOD!!! I kept myself pretty busy yesterday. Did A LOT of cleaning. The living room got a complete cleaning, so did the counters, stove, microwave, dishes and I even went through a cupboard to take out all the storage bottles that I used when I was pumping. It was an overall cleansing day for my house and body. Luckily McKayla took almost a 3 hour nap so I had time to finally do that stuff. I made a frozen Lasagna for dinner, target brand... NEVER EAT THAT!!! It taste like rubber. But after that Scott put the baby in the front carrier and we took a long walk...an hour. It was nice, then we came home and put the baby to bed. Started watching How to Train your Dragon but I fell asleep before the movie ended. I was tired! Scott woke me up to go to bed, and it's normally the other way around. I think everything just made me exhausted. It was great though.

Today I woke up with a call from the doctor about when to start taking my birth control pills, and of course right when I tried to go back to bed McKayla woke up. So I got her up and decided I wanted...needed to get her some warm weather clothes, since I was not prepared and she has almost none. So I called up Carolyn and we went to Once upon a Child. While taking a shower McKayla decided to roll and hit her head on the door frame... this started her crying. So I got out to see if she was ok, which she was, kissed her and put her down to get back to my shower... This started a almost non-stop day of crying so far. But I finally went to Once upon a Child. I got a bunch of cute things for her and only spent $41.00 it's great! But it reminded me that I wanted to sell the clothes I have right now for her... and that's another project I have, along with my own clothes. Then we met her husband and pastor Steve at Adalberto's and had lunch. While at lunch I just got really tired so I was glad when we left.

McKayla fell asleep in the Car on the way to lunch which was great because I actually got to eat, but she woke up from kids being loud. When we got home I took her out of the car seat and set her down, she instantly started to cry... it now has become a battle to stop her from crying. She was driving me crazy! But she is finally down for I think a much needed hopefully long nap. I want to take a nap too, but I thought I would take this opportunity to write since I just fell asleep yesterday.

I believe if it wasn't for all the prayers I have been getting I would not feel so good and like life is moving on already. Although still painful, it doesn't hurt so bad right now. I thank you for your prayers and ask if you could still pray for my family and comfort, as well as getting the for sure on the house in September. Thank you all for being so supportive and reading these. I am taking each day as they come. Now I am going to try and get a nap before McKayla wakes up.

Sunday Evening

I went to Linner (Lunch/Dinner) with Sharron today. My load has been lightened so much today. I felt happiness when it seemed far off. It was so good to spend a few hours chatting about the miscarriage and her trials and encouraging one another. To let my eyes fill with tears and have someone there who is feeling what I am going through with me because she cares. I have incredible friends. A few personal things happened tonight with my husband from this miscarriage I am not going to share on here for the sake of keeping it personal and between us but... it was beautiful (no I am not talking about sex). I think God used the miscarriage for this purpose (not this purpose alone). This is the first time I see how and a little bit of why it might have happened. I did not expect it to come so fast, but it doesn't answer the whole question and it might not ever.

Also I might have a house to rent by the time our lease is up on this dinky apartment!!! I pray it works out! I pray we can move into a house, this house! I pray it is his good and perfect will that we move there. I also pray if we do we help out the family renting it! How blessed we will be! It would feel so much better to have some space and a yard and places to store all the baby stuff from McKayla!!! Babies come with a TON of stuff and they are so TINY!!! Gotta love it! Pray for that house to work out please!

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and should be asleep right now, and am thankful I am not up to cry tonight, but because McKayla keeps waking up and fussing. I am pretty sure she is teething... oh what a wonderful stage... I pray that tomorrow when they do an ultra sound everything has passed. I had another clot today, assuming it was placenta but I don't know... it wasn't the fetus is all I know. I really pray it has all passed because I do not want another surgery. It puts me at risk because of the fact that my c-section scar isn't healed completely on the inside so it's a higher risk for piercing me and preventing me from having the ability to have more children. As well as my ITP platelet problem could cause internal bleeding, so no I don't want a D & C.

Ahh... sigh of some relief from the constant pain I have been having. What a roller coaster my life is. Praise you Lord in the good and in the bad.