Been awhile

Ever feel like life sucks? Well I do too! I am going through another one of those hard times... I ask (or yell depending on the circumstance or mood) Will this ever end!!??!! I know the answer to this... Yes it will, but the next question is when? and then how long until crap flips my life upside down again?  Those my friends I do not have an answer for and frankly I hate that. I want to plan my whole life and stick to the plan. It seems simple right? If I make good decisions with my life, like how to spend my money, know how to SAVE my money, be on a schedule, make goals and work at achieving them, have good morals, stick to them no matter what, evenly divide my time to make sure I don't go crazy... Things like this... Now I like planning, I like organization (you wouldn't know it from my house at the moment but I do!) I like knowing the plan and attacking it. I am a "go getter" I do whatever I set my mind to. Well This year just BLEW in so many way can I just say. I mean come on!!! Let me make a list (her comes my organizing)

1. Had a baby and now have to go back to work... which was a place I HATED
2. SURPRISE! Your are pregnant 3 months postpartum and just found out you are 1 month along!
3. Surprise... you lost it...
4. Deal with Miscarriage while going to work at a place that sucks and has no care that you just lost a piece of you
5. Move to a better place, Quit Crappy Job, SURPRISE your husband lost his job for the 2nd time in your 3 year marriage, but now you have a baby and pay more rent and are both unemployed besides a commission job... Go for a dream position with music... DENIED
6.  Car registration is due...on both cars oh what? No money to pay for it?... Crap
7.Get sick and miss or have 1 month of commission shows canceled
8. Great 2nd car wont start... and still isn't registered
9.Get daycare, seem like things are looking up but find out kids wont be there anymore shortly (I'm not mad about that it just another financial hit)
10. Husband has a job that has gone full time YAY!!! But it's night and now you miss him and feel incredibility lonely
11. Suddenly get super sick and go to the ER 2 times, and take forever to get over it, and feel more alone because I can't see anyone!

This is me... I am not pouting or asking for sympathy... I just need to vent... I am SO done with this! I am sick of creditors calling me... wondering what I have to not pay this month so I can pay next months rent... I feel like my life this year has been a downward spiral... I have to give credit to some many blessings now:

1. I have a beautiful, smart, extremely happy and funny, AMAZING baby girl who is growing everyday!
2. I have an amazing husband who is always there for me
3. I have had some great support this year with friends and family
4. I have been able to keep sponsoring my "child" in Kenya
5. Rent has been paid every month (Thanks to some help a few times)

I know there is more but honestly they are not coming to me... I feel really discouraged... I keep praying for a relief that lasts more than a few weeks. I want stability. I don't want to move AGAIN! I don't want to worry about bills ESPECIALLY Rent! The feeling of not being able to provide our own home for our daughter feels horribly irresponsible! But I have NO CONTROL! I HATE THAT! I want like I said to make a plan and attack it, but life takes you on a ride and it's a bumpy one...

The thing that keeps me going honestly, is that I do know this will end and I am only put through these things because I am being shown something. I am growing. I am not alone in dealing with this even though at times I feel VERY lonely, but that is mostly because of my personality. I love human interaction. I like being around other people... adults. I am at home all day with kids, then (still) don't have a working second car (and if it was working it still isn't registered) so I am stuck at home unless someone has time or wants to make time to come visit me or will take me somewhere. That is hard for my type of people with a social craving. But I am not alone. Jesus  is with me... cheesy? Not at all. He knows what it's like to be alone, like you are the only one going through something that totally sucks. I know he is telling me to talk to him more, and just share with him. This is an area I sometimes struggle in. Remember I said I am a social person? Well I am... but more when you are in front of me, or sometimes on the phone. I like the people that I can actually hear words from, but sometimes they still can't comfort. I am working on talking to him, and I find that best when writing and maybe that's because that's a lot of how God communicates. I mean there is a WHOLE book with his words lol! I like writing, sometimes typing when I have a lot to say and it wants to come out faster than I can write with a pen or pencil. I type much faster than print. But other times the pen to paper gives me an outlet, just the physical release of words on a piece of paper is therapy...
I don't know how long I will be out of work and a regular paycheck. I know I am trying my hardest to bring in income and balance money. I don't know how long this downward spiral is, I don't know a lot. But one thing I know is I am stressed and if I don't get it out I am going to do damage to my body with all this stress and with trying to recover from the horrible sickness still it is going to take a lot longer. I believe in Prayer. Please pray for me and my family. Pray things will look up and this trail will end and that we will be stronger and smarter. Also that we will stable out financially.
I know I am not alone in some of these daily struggles so I will pray for my fellow strugglers. It isn't all about me and it wont last forever. My Jesus will deliver me out of this darkness and bring me new bright happiness... even if that doesn't happen until the day I see his face (I pray that isn't the case, that it gets better sooner) I will wait for that glorious day.

Jesus, you hear and see my struggles, I pray you jump in where I have no control and relieve me of my stresses. I pray for stability especially financially. I pray for happiness and good times. I thank you for every blessing I listed and didn't. I pray I never forget who you are and how much power you have to do anything. I pray I never put you in a box and think there is something you can't do. I ask for a miracle. Revive this heart, and country. I am not alone in these struggles. I am thankful I have you for many people do not. I pray you reach out to them and take the yolk off them too.
I love you!
Amen.

August 15, 2011

I need to write. I feel stressed and kind of up and down with my emotions today... I feel SUPER excited to be quitting my job with the Credit Union, but at the same time that leaves me feeling scared and worried. I mean Premier is doing AMAZING but it's the fear of the unknown... but the fact is we will always have enough to pay for the things that really matter: Rent, Food and Electric. I have never not had a weekly or bimonthly check so this is just weird and intimidating. I don't want to fail and I don't want to leave the stress on Scott being the only constant income. He REALLY encouraged me to quit though. Always coming home hating my job, what they do and how they treat me and everyone else they employ. Crying, or just being completely drained mentally. Doing a supervisor/managment job everyday and not being compensated for it or get a title change, and no raise for over 2 years, and my review always being over looked or extremely late. Lack of recognition, encouragement or even just a incentive to feel like I am doing a good job. I mean there is only so much a person can take. Should I stay there and let them run me over and use me and very much under compensating me for my job? I am not a push over nor am I going to let someone run me over because they know I will "just do it" anyway. I'm done... over 3 1/2 years is enough don't you think? Especially when I have a little girl I could be enjoying and watching grow up. Why miss out on the things that really matter? No more. Life is too short. I know God will always watch over us and protect us, and never give us more than we can handle with him so I should stop worrying and start having more faith in his clear signs telling me to quit.

I also have been feeling sad... knowing that Sept/Oct is when I would be having my 2nd child... This has been overwhelming me the past few days with sadness. I keep having dreams that I am pregnant, and symptoms... I don't think I am pregnant, I just think it's on my mind. I feel like I want another child right now but I am not sure if it's the void of my loss or me just enjoying McKayla so much. Even if I wanted to have one I would not choose to at this point and time. I am really nervous about my health and my body still not being ready. I don't want another miscarriage! That would be horrible!

I also just miss my best friend. I haven't seen her in a few years now and sometimes you just need to see your best friend for a pick me up and fun.

On a better note, I love our new apartment and the area it is in. I feel great going for walks and having a washer and dryer, and the space is great! McKayla just runs all over the place and I'm not having to keep her in a small confined space! She loves it! It has better space too, more functional and SO much more light. I felt like I was in a cave in La Riv!

I have so many things to be grateful for right now, I am not trying to complain but just get stuff off my chest to anyone who will listen and take the time to respond. It's a weird time for me right  now, a lot of new transitioning things and old scars I am overcoming. It will pass, just a weird season, hopeful of growth.

Feel free to comment and talk with me about any of this stuff, talking helps.

More Premier

I need to book 6 parties this month to help me get $200 more in jewelry for my business... if I get 9 I get $100 more. I have pictures of the jewelry I currently have to show. If you book a party before July 4th I will throw in a free ring up to $60.00! That's on top of the hostess benefits. I really really just need to get booking from outside my circle of family and friends. I need to reach my family and friends, family and friends. If you could help that would be amazing!

Premier Designs

So I REALLY love the jewelry I sell and the awesome Hostess plan I get to offer that give people seriously free (except the tax and $4 for shipping which we can't ever avoid!) jewelry it gives people. My first hostess show I got all 4 $25 dollar bonus's and 30% of the Jewelry FREE plus 8 items 1/2 off because my party made over $500 in retail. So I got $439 in FREE jewelry, which gave me 15 or 16 items for my Premier Business that I get to have for my self but show off to show people how great it is. 

I am really focusing on savings right now and this I pray helps a lot. I am really excited about the things this is allowing me to do, such as Melissa Paoloni's Cancer Fundraiser. I get to have a show in her name and donate 90% to help her pay for medical bills. This is an answered prayer for me. I want to be able to save and be more generous. I prayed about it and he gave me an answer right away which I love. She will be getting all the free jewelry from this too. She will have a tangible memory of our love for her.

 

That is the Flyer and info for the Fundraiser. PLEASE spread the word and pass this around.

With that here are a few pictures of the jewelry

 The Next Pictures are the same necklace just different ways

I will have more pieces tomorrow, as that is when my big shippment comes in. This is all I got today but It's exciting. I need bookings to keep up my business so if you can please book a party, get some free jewelry and relax. I love doing this.

On another note, I have been thinking about my miscarriage lately and that I never had a "funeral" like I wanted to... I still want to... do you think it's too late?

COUPONING!!! 5/6/111

Today was awesome (and it's not over!)

 

I bought all of this today for only $55.26... at RALEY'S! and SAVED $41.40!!!!! That is 42% savings!!! 

It was awesome! I got Salsa, Chiles, Pepsi and a free movie ticket for... FREE!!! (Plus I forgot to get my FREE fuze drink because they are on sale 10 for $10 and that makes them a dollar... I have a $1.00 off coupon! That my friends is AWESOME!!!)

All except 5 items had coupons and on sale, 2 of those 5 were still on sale and the other 3 I needed for a recipe. This is name brand stuff cheaper than the generic! Plus not only did I save 42% I get $.10 off Aisle 1 gas! Every penny, in this time of rising gas prices, saved is a blessing! 

First I would like to Thank God for letting couponing be reviled in it's full capacity at a time when I NEED to save money to pay bills! 2nd extreme couponing for showing me how it can work, 3rd my friends who have given me tips on where to get coupons! I love you all!! Lol... I know I am being dramatic but think... if I save 42% every time I shop for groceries (which I always need and so do you!) I will be able to have food in my house and pay all my bills and who knows maybe start keeping money in my savings account!!!

There will be more to come!

-Sandy

1 month mark

Yesterday was the 1 month mark for the miscarriage (4 weeks). I was really busy with things to do for church and seeing a friend who I haven't seen in over 2 years! I met her sister-in-law and her 18 month old baby too! It was a pretty good day. Over Easter and Yesterday's conversation I have talked a lot to people about my miscarriage, especially Scott's cousin who I didn't know had one too. I held back the tears as we talked about it. It is still a very overwhelming feeling when I relive it all, but I am able to cope now. 

I think it is strange that we get comfort from people who have experienced the same pain. Only because you know that they have experienced the same pain, and you are comforted by knowing someone else had pain. It's just strange, but it really does help, not to say we would ever have wanted that for them but that because you now share something very personal and emotionally scaring.

I have been losing weight and getting back into shape since I have been able to exercise. I feel good about it now and love to work out, as before I was feeling guilty because I felt I was still carrying a baby and shouldn't be doing the things I was. It feels nice to be getting my body back in shape (and realizing that it is not what it once was every time I work out... that's not the nice part though!). 

I feel sometimes I got "over" this too quick, but I then realize I am not "over" it I am just at an acceptance stage. But it still feels like I got there fast, which is an answered prayer because my only prayer was for comfort and I now have it. I know my baby is waiting up in Heaven and never had to suffer one day in this awful world. It knows our Lord and Savior, something I only dream about for now. I get to meet my child in his or her perfected form, and he or she will meet me in mine. It give me hope and something more to look forward to. Makes Heaven almost more real in a sense. 

My church family has gotten me through a lot of this and I believe it was all the support and prayers on my behalf that got me to this point. I Thank God for them and their love for me and my family. Without them I would still feel heavy and depressed. I pray in some way I can use this situation to comfort someone else in their sufferings. That they can look at me and say "The memory and sadness will never go away but I see I can be happy and go on living life in the fact that I will one day meet my child". Maybe it will help their healing process. It will not answer any questions most likely because I still have questions of my own, but help the healing.

I am blessed. I am able to get pregnant and some women long for that. I was able to carry and have my 1st born, and some people will never know that. I have a wonderful church family, family, and friends. I am surrounded by people who love me. I am blessed. Thank you Jesus.

Catch up

This is a catch up blog. I want to go over a little bit of my life for the past...hmmm about 15 months.

Find out I'm pregnant for the first time, while thinking I was going to get fired for the $100 I happened to be short on the day I found out. (They found it 2 days later by the way...)

3 months Pregnant move out of my parents (We were trying to pay off some debt and move into a house before we got pregnant so to fast track it we moved in with my parents for 3-4 months) and into our own 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment while struggling with the stupid sciatica (if you don't know what that is look at this link Sciatica ).

Sometime between 4 and 5 months find out that my blood work was coming back with SUPER HIGH white blood cells and dipping platelets and no one knowing why. As well as Battling extreme exhaustion and not understanding why I was what seemed to be beyond normal "pregnancy tired"

6 months pregnant and being put at part time work 20-25 hours a week. Continue to do blood work and see things worsen. Then having to go to non-stress tests twice a week for monitoring. Also had blood work sent out for the screening of a platelet antibody, which came back negative a week or so later)

7 1/2 months be taken out of work completely because of pure exhaustion and quit a bit of swelling, Preeclampsia, and still high white blood cells and extremely low platelets.

9 months (35- 36 weeks pregnant) take myself to the hospital because I was extremely swollen and had tingling in my hands. Finding out that I had "GTP" or Gestational Thrombocytopenia (Thrombocytopenia in Pregnancy) which is a low platelet count because my body created a rare antibody that the previous screening wasn't looking for. Being told I have to be induced in 2 weeks and my risk of a c-section was higher now, but more risky because if my platelets drop I could bleed out.

9 1/2 months pregnant (38 weeks) went to the hospital to be induced (this was a Saturday), Monday early morning finally getting to 10cm to push. Over 3 1/2 hours later being told the baby isn't coming out and I have to have an emergency c-section, being Rushed to the surgery room and hearing my platelets had dropped to my lowest ever. 7:22am Monday morning had my BEAUTIFUL baby girl McKayla. 

1 hour after giving birth I am in the recovery room shaking from the anesthesia and loss of blood that they can not get to stop. Not able to hold my brand new baby... Thinking I was going to die.

3 hours after giving birth finally started to clot and stop bleeding.

4 hours after giving birth... I FINALLY get to hold my baby, but can barely see her because the blood loss, and stress on my body from labor.

4 1/2 hours after giving birth I got my baby taken from me because I passed the antibody to her and she has to go to the NICU.

2 Days after giving birth finding her platelet count was so low losing a few more would put her in danger of spontaneous bleeding and she could die. Having to make a HUGE decision to give her an IGIV (immune globulin (intravenous) (IGIV) medical facts from Drugs.com) and them not know if that could harm her or just watch as she potentially dips into the low number... Praying, and finally doing the IGIV 

5 days after giving birth I get to go home and find out... McKayla doesn't.

6 days after giving birth we FINALLY FINALLY get to take our baby home!!! PRAISE GOD!!

During McKayla's 1st month home I had to take her in every week for blood testing.

4-5 months after having McKayla finding out I was again pregnant... then that I do not have GTP I have ITP Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP)which means I can't avoid the platelet issue like the doctors said I could because it's permanent not gestational, and being told I can no longer take Ibuprofen because it drops my platelets. 

10-11 weeks after finding out, I found out the baby stopped growing, had no heart beat and was dead.

2 Days later passing the fetus.

2 weeks later going back to work, and while taking the company mail I backed into my co-workers car denting her fender and my bumper...

Today (1 day later) get a call from my sister and McKayla has been screaming/crying non-stop for over 2 hours. Having to take her to the Doctor to find out if she has an ear infection or something. Making my bosses SUPER mad that I had to take her to the Doctor and leave for 2 hours... Then find out she is only teething but getting 4 teeth at once.

My thoughts now... I have made it through so much... God has been there with me through it all and helped me jump these hurdles... I love Him for that... so...

BRING ON WHATS NEXT!!! or give me a break please!