Another day

Today is another day, just like tomorrow will be. Another day of learning how to just let the emotions come as they will for a while. Today is another day of me thinking about my unborn child and reliving when I saw it come out. It still feels like someone punched me as hard as they could straight in the gut. It's been a little stressful with all this emotion and my baby at 6 months old being fussy because she wants to crawl but is only successful at going backwards. She just gets so mad because she wants to get somewhere but doesn't know how. I understand this frustration but it makes my day harder. I am grateful my family has come over to help me with her and let me rest especially in the morning. (Side note... I think it is weird that you spell great, but when you spell grateful it's spelled like when you grate cheese... I think is should be greatful not grateful because you are never full of grate...). I got out of the house again today, walked to Big Lots and got my secret sister a few thing for Easter. It was nice to think about how to make someone else smile. Also to get some good vitamin D from the sun to help perk me up. I also picked up some sunscreen for the baby, Scott and I. It's gone from a freezing winter straight to summer... no spring. I wish it didn't do that, but it's a beautiful day and I made sure to enjoy it.

I have a different outlook on life now. I hope it doesn't fade. It's a miracle to be here in life, and I don't want to take it for granted anymore... if the sun is shining I will just be thankful for it, if it is raining I will praise God we are not in a drought. I want a more positive outlook while still being able to grieve or have emotion for whatever time it is needed. I praise God more now than ever for the life of my 1st child McKayla. Even though she is frustrating me with all her whining. Melissa Paoloni has been a big influence for me with her positive attitude and writing. I am so thankful for her.

I may break down again tonight I may not. Either way I am learning the grieving process. Not that I haven't had experience with death, because trust me I have had overwhelming experiences in my life. My first loss was at 7 years old when my best friend drown. But this is different, it was my own flesh and blood. I was attached in only a way a mother knows. Unless you have had this experience you will never understand this pain, and I pray you never will. To think apart of you is gone, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it but ache (I am now starting to cry) and long for the day when you can meet face to face. To say I love you so much and we have never met, but I wished everyday for it. Never a day has gone by that in my heart I didn't want to hold you and to kiss you, to know you and watch you grow. What a glorious day that will be. I really pray you never know that pain, and if you have, I grieve not only for my own loss but for the pain I feel for you and your loss.

I still have a child and a family, and I am so glad I get to hold them anytime I want. That I will not take for granted. Who knows why my baby didn't make it, I have my suspicions but no one but the Creator will know for now. I still am struggling with the positive side of losing this child. Like, hey now I can go exercise and get back into shape, I can eat sushi, I can lift more that 15-25lbs soon, I can look for a new job... and many other things because it feels as if I am saying I am glad the baby died, but I know this isn't true. I know that it's just a realization of things I can do, but I feel weird because I shouldn't be able to... I was pregnant. Everyday when I see the blood (I will be bleeding just like I would be after giving birth for a while) I think this isn't right... I should be growing new life... it's a strange thing to have to transition from HOLY CRAP I'M PREGNANT AGAIN AND I HAVE AN INFANT!!! to embracing the pregnancy, then to I am not pregnant and lost a child... it's a whirlwind of emotion, like being on a boat and tossed around the waves not knowing when the storm will clear.

I still need friends and families prayers and support. I still need the comfort of my Heavenly Father to get me through this. At times I want to crawl into a corner and just shut the world out, but I know that would solve nothing. My close friends and family, this blog has been my way of venting and talking to people. My way of coping. Please keep reading these to understand what I am going through and support me with your love and kindness. It means so much to me. Thank You.

Just Grieve

How blessed I am. I broke down tonight, fighting it all the way. After about 15-20 minutes into it I thought it would be a good idea to call up my pastor and his wife to have them come over. Scott made the call and they gladly came over. What a difference it made. Pastor Steve is always great about giving you the right questions to help you get through or talk about what you are going through. I thank God for that Man and his wife Cheryl.

I over analyze most things in my life but mostly my the big emotions usually anger and sadness. I feel what I am feeling but don't let myself get fully indulged in the emotion. For example when I cry I think about why I cry, and should I really be crying over this, or is this really something to cry about, and also am I really feeling this way. So many of these thoughts take me away from actually feeling the emotion and in this case grieving over it. Tonight it was reinforced, it is ok to cry, it is ok to feel how I am feeling with out getting over it quickly. It is ok to really grieve. I never have this problem when I feel for other people but only when I have extreme emotion myself, like this miscarriage.

For the first time in my life I just cried out of pure grief yesterday. It was when I passed my unborn child. The only time I have every just cried without thinking of the situation. But tonight when I broke down I started doing it again. Telling myself that I understand what happened and I can't change it, and my baby is in heaven now so why am I crying? Pastor Steve quoted Ecclesiastes 3

¹ There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,

   a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,

   a time to tear down and a time to build,

 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,

   a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,

   a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,

   a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,

   a time for war and a time for peace.

A time to weep and a time to mourn... It is time and it is ok. I need to let myself just do this and know it is ok. I feel freedom in these words. Freedom to feel without judgement. Friends I am sad... I feel like I have died inside. Today was a good day but I cannot shake this sadness and loss. I need to grieve and let myself be fully immersed in it. I also need to cut myself some slack and realize this doesn't have a time frame. There are no rules to follow on this. I just want to cry, no words, just tears.

Also earlier I was thinking this doesn't feel right... if it was born it would have had a funeral, and just because it didn't make it alive out of my womb doesn't mean it doesn't deserve some closure. Then when Pastor Steve and Cheryl were here they started to ask me about thinking about doing something like that and I jumped and said I already did and it want to have a little service with the people I am close to to say good bye to this loved unborn child. I don't care who thinks it's crazy, it was a life and it was apart of me.

There was a lot of good conversation exchanged and I am so blessed to have them in my life. To guide me along and give me confidence in times of need. The whole time Scott was there supporting me as I poured out what was on my heart. He is such a good man.

I am sad, heart broken, relieved, devastated, grateful and tired. That pretty much sums me up right now. This is hard, harder than I thought I knew anything could be. I am proud to say I think I can or at least am learning how to grieve freely and know that this is perfectly ok as long as I keep going with the curves life throws at me. I am in Love with my Heavenly Father because I know he is here with me grieving along side of my sadness because he understands loss.

Thank you Lord for your presence, your peace and the ability to feel whether it is happy, angry or sad. I thank you for the support you have surrounded me with in this devastating time. Continue to come along side me and help grieve and lean on your everlasting love. I know this loss is a mystery we all wonder about, but I trust in you that you have a reason and love behind everything you do for your children. I love you.

Amen

It's a New Day

Today is a New Day. It's also a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining just a light breeze. So much to be thankful for. My Family was here to support me yesterday (and my sister has been awesome in coming over everyday to help me out!) and I can call on them anytime, I have a beautiful little girl, a wonderful husband who knows how to care for me when I go through extremely hard times, a church that has prayers for me everyday, and amazing friends who can feel my pain and cry with me. I am rich in love. I have lost a life, but gained so many things already. I realize I will be sad from time to time wishing in 6 1/2 to 7 months I could be holding my 2nd child in my arms. But Jesus is doing that for me right now. He is also holding me right now, comforting me in my pain and helping me move on.

Right now I can't see why my miscarriage happened, but in time I believe it will be reveled. My cousin Tammy also lost children and has recommended this book called "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford. I am looking forward to getting the book as soon as I am comfortable getting out of the house. I think that will be soon, it's only because of the fact that I need rest and healing time that I am not ready to get out. I think I am ready for people to visit if anyone wants... my house is out of order right now. I was in the middle of going through baby clothes to save if I had a girl, and going through my own clothes that I wouldn't be able to fit into for a while... now I have to redo those things. But if you are up for seeing me and not caring about our mess, I am ready.

I really got to talk to Scott last night and hear how he feels. We had what I felt was an amazing connection talking through loosing our child. It really helped me to hear how he felt, because he wouldn't have talked about it if I didn't ask. He was just concentrating on being there for me. Then we read Chapter 3 of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan to just concentrate on the love God has for us. He is mourning our loss with us. 

Although yesterday was the hardest day of my life, I needed that to happen to move on. Seeing the fetus I could have done without, but the passing is good for my body and what needed to happen to move on physically and a step in moving on emotionally. I guess I wouldn't have been sure, without seeing it, if I had passed it. I praise God through all of this and ask still for prayers and encouragement.

Hardest Day of my life

Today was by far the hardest day of my life. I passed my unborn child. The doctor said when it passed it would just look like a big blood clot and I wouldn't be able to see or tell what anything was... this was not true. I saw my unborn fetus. (This is going to be graphic so do not read on if you don't want to hear about this, skip to the next paragraph, but I need to say it). I went to the bathroom and felt blood come out like normal except something was hanging. When I wiped it was there, I had to put it off... I saw the sac surrounding the fetus. The fact that I had to flush it down the toilet disturbed me a great deal. How can I flush it down the same tube that waste goes down? It didn't feel right, that life isn't a waste. There was a heart beat, it had a life for a short time. I cried and cried as my heart just broke down to what seemed to be close to nothing. 

I am so glad some one was there with me, to hold me and let me cry. At first I just cried aloud sitting there thinking about this baby I lost. The baby I had just lost kept coming in to my mind... dead... I lost a baby. It is still boggling my mind. My sister had called Scott, who was coming home after being told I needed him through tears. I finally had the strength to get up off the toilet, but just stood there and cried... Carolyn (who graciously made me breakfast/lunch this morning) was there, and asked if I was clothed so she could come in. She did and just held me as I cried and told her what I saw. Saying it out loud made it so much more painful because it was almost more real. UHH the pain of this lost is much greater than yesterday. I didn't want to see it... I knew it would hurt more. But I did and now I am trying to deal with it and move on.

I finally washed the blood off my hands and moved out to the living room couch as my Mom showed up to hug me and cry with me. She'd gone through the same thing years ago between my sister and I. She knows the pain and just let me cry and I am sure it brought back the same pain. Although more soothed, I was not comforted and don't think I will be for a while. I do praise God that he let me have this early in the pregnancy instead of later after I felt it kick then have to give birth to a still born... I can't imagine.

Scott finally got home and held me. It was our child, it felt good for him to be there with me, to hold me. I told him what I saw and what I had done. I told him I couldn't flush it, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He asked if I would like him to do it, I said yes, but told him wait. I couldn't hear the flush yet. Ugh it felt like murder at the thought. Finally after a while of crying I told him to do it. It was hard, but I had to tell myself that isn't our baby anymore. It's just Its flesh, and one day I will be only flesh. A little while later I found more flesh in my pad. It ripped me up inside. My baby is in Heaven and as a good friend quoted a song, Jesus has a rocking chair.

It's weird to think I never met my unborn child. It does give me great hope and joy that I will meet my baby someday in Heaven and it will be perfect, without harm or suffering. I pray again Lord, heal my hurt and draw me into Your arms for comfort and Love.

Miscarriage

I have been wanting to start a blog for a little while now so I can just write out my thoughts and feelings, and if others want to read whats on my mind then they can. Today's events made me feel like today was probably a good day to start this, since I don't really want to actually talk to anyone.

I started bleeding on Saturday and knew something wasn't right. I called the advice nurse and she told me it didn't sound urgent so she gave me a phone appointment for today, Monday at noon. A little after 9am I got a call. The doctor said in light of the information she got she thought I might need an appointment so she called early. I told her that my bleeding had gotten increasingly heavier over the few day. She had me call my office and schedule an emergency ultra sound. I got the appointment and since the advice nurse on Saturday put me on pelvic rest (no lifting, no exercise, no intercourse etc.) I called my mother-in-law to come help me get to the appointment with McKayla (my daughter).

Over the course of the weekend I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I knew my body probably wasn't able to handle another pregnancy before I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I went in to the office and the ob/gyn checked my cervix, then gave me an ultra sound. I know what normal 8-9 week babies look like on an ultra sound... and what I saw was not an 8-9 week baby... nor did I see the flicker of a heart beat. My heart just dropped because I knew what she was going to tell me.

When going for the first ultra sound for the second baby, I knew it was weird when the first day of my last period didn't match the age of the baby, but I figured I must have ovulated late because of the hormones from my previous pregnancy. I should have been 8 weeks along, the ultra sound measured at 6 weeks, and there was a heart beat. At today's appointment she said, your baby is measuring only six weeks and I am so sorry but there is no heart beat. This means the baby was already not doing good from the first time I had the ultra sound but because the heart was still beating we couldn't know for sure if anything was wrong.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears came down my face from the emotions running through me. I mean we didn't plan this pregnancy so at first I was very upset. I didn't want to go through that again so soon, but I embraced it and came to be very excited. Then all of the sudden I lost it. A wave of sadness came, and... a wave of relief, followed by a wave of guilt for feeling relieved. I mean I wasn't ready, I was stressed about money, and living space. But by no means did I ever want to not have this baby, I came to love the thought of McKayla having a close sibling, hoping it might be a boy. How horrible of me to feel relieved!! I still feel a small sense of guilt for that, but am glad people were there to help me realize that this is normal.

I keeping having these waves of emotion... and the horrible sickness I feel because I have something inside of me that died. It's horrible. I hope that posting these blogs help me work through and get out some of these emotions to move on. I pray that God helps me understand why this happened. I pray out of this I am drawn closer to our maker, for I know one day I will meet my unborn child.