How blessed I am. I broke down tonight, fighting it all the way. After about 15-20 minutes into it I thought it would be a good idea to call up my pastor and his wife to have them come over. Scott made the call and they gladly came over. What a difference it made. Pastor Steve is always great about giving you the right questions to help you get through or talk about what you are going through. I thank God for that Man and his wife Cheryl.
I over analyze most things in my life but mostly my the big emotions usually anger and sadness. I feel what I am feeling but don't let myself get fully indulged in the emotion. For example when I cry I think about why I cry, and should I really be crying over this, or is this really something to cry about, and also am I really feeling this way. So many of these thoughts take me away from actually feeling the emotion and in this case grieving over it. Tonight it was reinforced, it is ok to cry, it is ok to feel how I am feeling with out getting over it quickly. It is ok to really grieve. I never have this problem when I feel for other people but only when I have extreme emotion myself, like this miscarriage.
For the first time in my life I just cried out of pure grief yesterday. It was when I passed my unborn child. The only time I have every just cried without thinking of the situation. But tonight when I broke down I started doing it again. Telling myself that I understand what happened and I can't change it, and my baby is in heaven now so why am I crying? Pastor Steve quoted Ecclesiastes 3
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
A time to weep and a time to mourn... It is time and it is ok. I need to let myself just do this and know it is ok. I feel freedom in these words. Freedom to feel without judgement. Friends I am sad... I feel like I have died inside. Today was a good day but I cannot shake this sadness and loss. I need to grieve and let myself be fully immersed in it. I also need to cut myself some slack and realize this doesn't have a time frame. There are no rules to follow on this. I just want to cry, no words, just tears.
Also earlier I was thinking this doesn't feel right... if it was born it would have had a funeral, and just because it didn't make it alive out of my womb doesn't mean it doesn't deserve some closure. Then when Pastor Steve and Cheryl were here they started to ask me about thinking about doing something like that and I jumped and said I already did and it want to have a little service with the people I am close to to say good bye to this loved unborn child. I don't care who thinks it's crazy, it was a life and it was apart of me.
There was a lot of good conversation exchanged and I am so blessed to have them in my life. To guide me along and give me confidence in times of need. The whole time Scott was there supporting me as I poured out what was on my heart. He is such a good man.
I am sad, heart broken, relieved, devastated, grateful and tired. That pretty much sums me up right now. This is hard, harder than I thought I knew anything could be. I am proud to say I think I can or at least am learning how to grieve freely and know that this is perfectly ok as long as I keep going with the curves life throws at me. I am in Love with my Heavenly Father because I know he is here with me grieving along side of my sadness because he understands loss.
Thank you Lord for your presence, your peace and the ability to feel whether it is happy, angry or sad. I thank you for the support you have surrounded me with in this devastating time. Continue to come along side me and help grieve and lean on your everlasting love. I know this loss is a mystery we all wonder about, but I trust in you that you have a reason and love behind everything you do for your children. I love you.Amen