Just Sandy

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Monday, March 28, 2011


I have been wanting to start a blog for a little while now so I can just write out my thoughts and feelings, and if others want to read whats on my mind then they can. Today's events made me feel like today was probably a good day to start this, since I don't really want to actually talk to anyone.

I started bleeding on Saturday and knew something wasn't right. I called the advice nurse and she told me it didn't sound urgent so she gave me a phone appointment for today, Monday at noon. A little after 9am I got a call. The doctor said in light of the information she got she thought I might need an appointment so she called early. I told her that my bleeding had gotten increasingly heavier over the few day. She had me call my office and schedule an emergency ultra sound. I got the appointment and since the advice nurse on Saturday put me on pelvic rest (no lifting, no exercise, no intercourse etc.) I called my mother-in-law to come help me get to the appointment with McKayla (my daughter).

Over the course of the weekend I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I knew my body probably wasn't able to handle another pregnancy before I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I went in to the office and the ob/gyn checked my cervix, then gave me an ultra sound. I know what normal 8-9 week babies look like on an ultra sound... and what I saw was not an 8-9 week baby... nor did I see the flicker of a heart beat. My heart just dropped because I knew what she was going to tell me.

When going for the first ultra sound for the second baby, I knew it was weird when the first day of my last period didn't match the age of the baby, but I figured I must have ovulated late because of the hormones from my previous pregnancy. I should have been 8 weeks along, the ultra sound measured at 6 weeks, and there was a heart beat. At today's appointment she said, your baby is measuring only six weeks and I am so sorry but there is no heart beat. This means the baby was already not doing good from the first time I had the ultra sound but because the heart was still beating we couldn't know for sure if anything was wrong.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears came down my face from the emotions running through me. I mean we didn't plan this pregnancy so at first I was very upset. I didn't want to go through that again so soon, but I embraced it and came to be very excited. Then all of the sudden I lost it. A wave of sadness came, and... a wave of relief, followed by a wave of guilt for feeling relieved. I mean I wasn't ready, I was stressed about money, and living space. But by no means did I ever want to not have this baby, I came to love the thought of McKayla having a close sibling, hoping it might be a boy. How horrible of me to feel relieved!! I still feel a small sense of guilt for that, but am glad people were there to help me realize that this is normal.

I keeping having these waves of emotion... and the horrible sickness I feel because I have something inside of me that died. It's horrible. I hope that posting these blogs help me work through and get out some of these emotions to move on. I pray that God helps me understand why this happened. I pray out of this I am drawn closer to our maker, for I know one day I will meet my unborn child.

1 comment:

  1. Sandy, my heart truly is breaking for you tonight. I know that all of the feelings you are feeling will continually change and you have such a road to recovery ahead. But I know that God is with you in your sorrow. I sang this song when I was younger. "Jesus has a rocking chair." I'll give you the first verse and the chorus:

    Verse one
    Many hopeful Moms and Dads try to have a child of their own,some never get the chance others do and see them grown There are some who are expecting that precious baby soon but then it's gone before it ever leaves the safety of it's mommas' womb

    JESUS has a rocking chair and HE holds that precious baby with oh such tender care
    HE takes the place of Mom and Dad, HE's the greatest parent a child could have
    Don't worry about the children there,JESUS has a rocking chair

    I know Jesus is rocking your sweet baby until you get to meet him. I love you! I'm praying for you!