I have been wanting to start a blog for a little while now so I can just write out my thoughts and feelings, and if others want to read whats on my mind then they can. Today's events made me feel like today was probably a good day to start this, since I don't really want to actually talk to anyone.
I started bleeding on Saturday and knew something wasn't right. I called the advice nurse and she told me it didn't sound urgent so she gave me a phone appointment for today, Monday at noon. A little after 9am I got a call. The doctor said in light of the information she got she thought I might need an appointment so she called early. I told her that my bleeding had gotten increasingly heavier over the few day. She had me call my office and schedule an emergency ultra sound. I got the appointment and since the advice nurse on Saturday put me on pelvic rest (no lifting, no exercise, no intercourse etc.) I called my mother-in-law to come help me get to the appointment with McKayla (my daughter).
Over the course of the weekend I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I knew my body probably wasn't able to handle another pregnancy before I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I went in to the office and the ob/gyn checked my cervix, then gave me an ultra sound. I know what normal 8-9 week babies look like on an ultra sound... and what I saw was not an 8-9 week baby... nor did I see the flicker of a heart beat. My heart just dropped because I knew what she was going to tell me.
When going for the first ultra sound for the second baby, I knew it was weird when the first day of my last period didn't match the age of the baby, but I figured I must have ovulated late because of the hormones from my previous pregnancy. I should have been 8 weeks along, the ultra sound measured at 6 weeks, and there was a heart beat. At today's appointment she said, your baby is measuring only six weeks and I am so sorry but there is no heart beat. This means the baby was already not doing good from the first time I had the ultra sound but because the heart was still beating we couldn't know for sure if anything was wrong.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears came down my face from the emotions running through me. I mean we didn't plan this pregnancy so at first I was very upset. I didn't want to go through that again so soon, but I embraced it and came to be very excited. Then all of the sudden I lost it. A wave of sadness came, and... a wave of relief, followed by a wave of guilt for feeling relieved. I mean I wasn't ready, I was stressed about money, and living space. But by no means did I ever want to not have this baby, I came to love the thought of McKayla having a close sibling, hoping it might be a boy. How horrible of me to feel relieved!! I still feel a small sense of guilt for that, but am glad people were there to help me realize that this is normal.
I keeping having these waves of emotion... and the horrible sickness I feel because I have something inside of me that died. It's horrible. I hope that posting these blogs help me work through and get out some of these emotions to move on. I pray that God helps me understand why this happened. I pray out of this I am drawn closer to our maker, for I know one day I will meet my unborn child.