Today was by far the hardest day of my life. I passed my unborn child. The doctor said when it passed it would just look like a big blood clot and I wouldn't be able to see or tell what anything was... this was not true. I saw my unborn fetus. (This is going to be graphic so do not read on if you don't want to hear about this, skip to the next paragraph, but I need to say it). I went to the bathroom and felt blood come out like normal except something was hanging. When I wiped it was there, I had to put it off... I saw the sac surrounding the fetus. The fact that I had to flush it down the toilet disturbed me a great deal. How can I flush it down the same tube that waste goes down? It didn't feel right, that life isn't a waste. There was a heart beat, it had a life for a short time. I cried and cried as my heart just broke down to what seemed to be close to nothing.
I am so glad some one was there with me, to hold me and let me cry. At first I just cried aloud sitting there thinking about this baby I lost. The baby I had just lost kept coming in to my mind... dead... I lost a baby. It is still boggling my mind. My sister had called Scott, who was coming home after being told I needed him through tears. I finally had the strength to get up off the toilet, but just stood there and cried... Carolyn (who graciously made me breakfast/lunch this morning) was there, and asked if I was clothed so she could come in. She did and just held me as I cried and told her what I saw. Saying it out loud made it so much more painful because it was almost more real. UHH the pain of this lost is much greater than yesterday. I didn't want to see it... I knew it would hurt more. But I did and now I am trying to deal with it and move on.
I finally washed the blood off my hands and moved out to the living room couch as my Mom showed up to hug me and cry with me. She'd gone through the same thing years ago between my sister and I. She knows the pain and just let me cry and I am sure it brought back the same pain. Although more soothed, I was not comforted and don't think I will be for a while. I do praise God that he let me have this early in the pregnancy instead of later after I felt it kick then have to give birth to a still born... I can't imagine.
Scott finally got home and held me. It was our child, it felt good for him to be there with me, to hold me. I told him what I saw and what I had done. I told him I couldn't flush it, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He asked if I would like him to do it, I said yes, but told him wait. I couldn't hear the flush yet. Ugh it felt like murder at the thought. Finally after a while of crying I told him to do it. It was hard, but I had to tell myself that isn't our baby anymore. It's just Its flesh, and one day I will be only flesh. A little while later I found more flesh in my pad. It ripped me up inside. My baby is in Heaven and as a good friend quoted a song, Jesus has a rocking chair.
It's weird to think I never met my unborn child. It does give me great hope and joy that I will meet my baby someday in Heaven and it will be perfect, without harm or suffering. I pray again Lord, heal my hurt and draw me into Your arms for comfort and Love.