1 month mark

Yesterday was the 1 month mark for the miscarriage (4 weeks). I was really busy with things to do for church and seeing a friend who I haven't seen in over 2 years! I met her sister-in-law and her 18 month old baby too! It was a pretty good day. Over Easter and Yesterday's conversation I have talked a lot to people about my miscarriage, especially Scott's cousin who I didn't know had one too. I held back the tears as we talked about it. It is still a very overwhelming feeling when I relive it all, but I am able to cope now. 

I think it is strange that we get comfort from people who have experienced the same pain. Only because you know that they have experienced the same pain, and you are comforted by knowing someone else had pain. It's just strange, but it really does help, not to say we would ever have wanted that for them but that because you now share something very personal and emotionally scaring.

I have been losing weight and getting back into shape since I have been able to exercise. I feel good about it now and love to work out, as before I was feeling guilty because I felt I was still carrying a baby and shouldn't be doing the things I was. It feels nice to be getting my body back in shape (and realizing that it is not what it once was every time I work out... that's not the nice part though!). 

I feel sometimes I got "over" this too quick, but I then realize I am not "over" it I am just at an acceptance stage. But it still feels like I got there fast, which is an answered prayer because my only prayer was for comfort and I now have it. I know my baby is waiting up in Heaven and never had to suffer one day in this awful world. It knows our Lord and Savior, something I only dream about for now. I get to meet my child in his or her perfected form, and he or she will meet me in mine. It give me hope and something more to look forward to. Makes Heaven almost more real in a sense. 

My church family has gotten me through a lot of this and I believe it was all the support and prayers on my behalf that got me to this point. I Thank God for them and their love for me and my family. Without them I would still feel heavy and depressed. I pray in some way I can use this situation to comfort someone else in their sufferings. That they can look at me and say "The memory and sadness will never go away but I see I can be happy and go on living life in the fact that I will one day meet my child". Maybe it will help their healing process. It will not answer any questions most likely because I still have questions of my own, but help the healing.

I am blessed. I am able to get pregnant and some women long for that. I was able to carry and have my 1st born, and some people will never know that. I have a wonderful church family, family, and friends. I am surrounded by people who love me. I am blessed. Thank you Jesus.

Catch up

This is a catch up blog. I want to go over a little bit of my life for the past...hmmm about 15 months.

Find out I'm pregnant for the first time, while thinking I was going to get fired for the $100 I happened to be short on the day I found out. (They found it 2 days later by the way...)

3 months Pregnant move out of my parents (We were trying to pay off some debt and move into a house before we got pregnant so to fast track it we moved in with my parents for 3-4 months) and into our own 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment while struggling with the stupid sciatica (if you don't know what that is look at this link Sciatica ).

Sometime between 4 and 5 months find out that my blood work was coming back with SUPER HIGH white blood cells and dipping platelets and no one knowing why. As well as Battling extreme exhaustion and not understanding why I was what seemed to be beyond normal "pregnancy tired"

6 months pregnant and being put at part time work 20-25 hours a week. Continue to do blood work and see things worsen. Then having to go to non-stress tests twice a week for monitoring. Also had blood work sent out for the screening of a platelet antibody, which came back negative a week or so later)

7 1/2 months be taken out of work completely because of pure exhaustion and quit a bit of swelling, Preeclampsia, and still high white blood cells and extremely low platelets.

9 months (35- 36 weeks pregnant) take myself to the hospital because I was extremely swollen and had tingling in my hands. Finding out that I had "GTP" or Gestational Thrombocytopenia (Thrombocytopenia in Pregnancy) which is a low platelet count because my body created a rare antibody that the previous screening wasn't looking for. Being told I have to be induced in 2 weeks and my risk of a c-section was higher now, but more risky because if my platelets drop I could bleed out.

9 1/2 months pregnant (38 weeks) went to the hospital to be induced (this was a Saturday), Monday early morning finally getting to 10cm to push. Over 3 1/2 hours later being told the baby isn't coming out and I have to have an emergency c-section, being Rushed to the surgery room and hearing my platelets had dropped to my lowest ever. 7:22am Monday morning had my BEAUTIFUL baby girl McKayla. 

1 hour after giving birth I am in the recovery room shaking from the anesthesia and loss of blood that they can not get to stop. Not able to hold my brand new baby... Thinking I was going to die.

3 hours after giving birth finally started to clot and stop bleeding.

4 hours after giving birth... I FINALLY get to hold my baby, but can barely see her because the blood loss, and stress on my body from labor.

4 1/2 hours after giving birth I got my baby taken from me because I passed the antibody to her and she has to go to the NICU.

2 Days after giving birth finding her platelet count was so low losing a few more would put her in danger of spontaneous bleeding and she could die. Having to make a HUGE decision to give her an IGIV (immune globulin (intravenous) (IGIV) medical facts from Drugs.com) and them not know if that could harm her or just watch as she potentially dips into the low number... Praying, and finally doing the IGIV 

5 days after giving birth I get to go home and find out... McKayla doesn't.

6 days after giving birth we FINALLY FINALLY get to take our baby home!!! PRAISE GOD!!

During McKayla's 1st month home I had to take her in every week for blood testing.

4-5 months after having McKayla finding out I was again pregnant... then that I do not have GTP I have ITP Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP)which means I can't avoid the platelet issue like the doctors said I could because it's permanent not gestational, and being told I can no longer take Ibuprofen because it drops my platelets. 

10-11 weeks after finding out, I found out the baby stopped growing, had no heart beat and was dead.

2 Days later passing the fetus.

2 weeks later going back to work, and while taking the company mail I backed into my co-workers car denting her fender and my bumper...

Today (1 day later) get a call from my sister and McKayla has been screaming/crying non-stop for over 2 hours. Having to take her to the Doctor to find out if she has an ear infection or something. Making my bosses SUPER mad that I had to take her to the Doctor and leave for 2 hours... Then find out she is only teething but getting 4 teeth at once.

My thoughts now... I have made it through so much... God has been there with me through it all and helped me jump these hurdles... I love Him for that... so...

BRING ON WHATS NEXT!!! or give me a break please!

Short Post

This is just a short post to say I am exhausted and have been pretty busy, so busy I haven't had a lot of time to blog. But everyday gets better and I have a lot to look forward to. Hopefully I have time to post more soon!

This link

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42191453/ns/today-today_people/?gt1=43001

This was shared with Scott and I by the worship leader and friend at our church. The part where the little boy saw his sister in heaven that he didn't even know his mother had miscarried gives me hope. I cried when they talked about it. It gave me great hope to what I already knew. I hope that this story is real  (because it is tv) but I do believe it. *Deep Breath* My heart has hope and peace.

I praise you Lord that you take care and love the little children.

Saving Money and other stuff

Lately I have been trying to find ways to save money, make money and keep money. I am going to try and start selling jewelry to possibly quit my day job, stop paying for someone to watch my kids, and make more money in less time. Strange that as I have been pondering these money issues TLC is having a extreme couponing show. After watching this (which they go way over board with their stock piles!) I now understand how to do it and get stuff free... Since I stay home I am going to try and devote (over time) a couple of hours to finding good deals to try and save money and pay down debt with savings. 

I have been feeling (as I have been describing it) less heavy about the miscarriage. It still hurts, especially when you see a commercial that says "We are pregnant" or a pregnancy test commercial and such. When I say I lost a baby or had a miscarriage it doesn't hit me as much as when I hear it out of another persons mouth. When someone else says it my stomach drops. I believe this might always happen but lessen as time goes on. I have to tell myself that I will see my baby one day, but for now it still feels like we are missing a family member, because we are.

I have been losing weight but mostly inches. My pants are huge on me right now, ad it's wonderful. This is a step in moving on. Getting into better shape. I have been walking for an hour for the past few nights and it really feels great to calm McKayla down and get outside and exercise. I can't wait to feel in shape again. I am not feeling as guilty to want to better my body now. I feel like I am entering the faze of "I no longer have any part of the baby, I have to get healthy again" and I think it is from seeing the ultra sound and having nothing there. Sad but it's a reality now.

I am excited by other things going on in my life right now other than losing weight. I am excited for the possibility of moving out of an apartment and into a house, and a worship conference this weekend. Life is looking up this week. I pray it continues to get better and more positive. I praise the Lord for all the work he is doing in me and my family.

Tired

I didn't post yesterday... weird I know. I actually had a really good day despite going to the doctor and realizing that the baby is really gone now, like out of me completely. It made me sad but I know it had to be done. I don't have to get a D & C PRAISE GOD!!! And the doctor took me off work for 1 more week PRAISE GOD!!! I kept myself pretty busy yesterday. Did A LOT of cleaning. The living room got a complete cleaning, so did the counters, stove, microwave, dishes and I even went through a cupboard to take out all the storage bottles that I used when I was pumping. It was an overall cleansing day for my house and body. Luckily McKayla took almost a 3 hour nap so I had time to finally do that stuff. I made a frozen Lasagna for dinner, target brand... NEVER EAT THAT!!! It taste like rubber. But after that Scott put the baby in the front carrier and we took a long walk...an hour. It was nice, then we came home and put the baby to bed. Started watching How to Train your Dragon but I fell asleep before the movie ended. I was tired! Scott woke me up to go to bed, and it's normally the other way around. I think everything just made me exhausted. It was great though.

Today I woke up with a call from the doctor about when to start taking my birth control pills, and of course right when I tried to go back to bed McKayla woke up. So I got her up and decided I wanted...needed to get her some warm weather clothes, since I was not prepared and she has almost none. So I called up Carolyn and we went to Once upon a Child. While taking a shower McKayla decided to roll and hit her head on the door frame... this started her crying. So I got out to see if she was ok, which she was, kissed her and put her down to get back to my shower... This started a almost non-stop day of crying so far. But I finally went to Once upon a Child. I got a bunch of cute things for her and only spent $41.00 it's great! But it reminded me that I wanted to sell the clothes I have right now for her... and that's another project I have, along with my own clothes. Then we met her husband and pastor Steve at Adalberto's and had lunch. While at lunch I just got really tired so I was glad when we left.

McKayla fell asleep in the Car on the way to lunch which was great because I actually got to eat, but she woke up from kids being loud. When we got home I took her out of the car seat and set her down, she instantly started to cry... it now has become a battle to stop her from crying. She was driving me crazy! But she is finally down for I think a much needed hopefully long nap. I want to take a nap too, but I thought I would take this opportunity to write since I just fell asleep yesterday.

I believe if it wasn't for all the prayers I have been getting I would not feel so good and like life is moving on already. Although still painful, it doesn't hurt so bad right now. I thank you for your prayers and ask if you could still pray for my family and comfort, as well as getting the for sure on the house in September. Thank you all for being so supportive and reading these. I am taking each day as they come. Now I am going to try and get a nap before McKayla wakes up.

Sunday Evening

I went to Linner (Lunch/Dinner) with Sharron today. My load has been lightened so much today. I felt happiness when it seemed far off. It was so good to spend a few hours chatting about the miscarriage and her trials and encouraging one another. To let my eyes fill with tears and have someone there who is feeling what I am going through with me because she cares. I have incredible friends. A few personal things happened tonight with my husband from this miscarriage I am not going to share on here for the sake of keeping it personal and between us but... it was beautiful (no I am not talking about sex). I think God used the miscarriage for this purpose (not this purpose alone). This is the first time I see how and a little bit of why it might have happened. I did not expect it to come so fast, but it doesn't answer the whole question and it might not ever.

Also I might have a house to rent by the time our lease is up on this dinky apartment!!! I pray it works out! I pray we can move into a house, this house! I pray it is his good and perfect will that we move there. I also pray if we do we help out the family renting it! How blessed we will be! It would feel so much better to have some space and a yard and places to store all the baby stuff from McKayla!!! Babies come with a TON of stuff and they are so TINY!!! Gotta love it! Pray for that house to work out please!

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and should be asleep right now, and am thankful I am not up to cry tonight, but because McKayla keeps waking up and fussing. I am pretty sure she is teething... oh what a wonderful stage... I pray that tomorrow when they do an ultra sound everything has passed. I had another clot today, assuming it was placenta but I don't know... it wasn't the fetus is all I know. I really pray it has all passed because I do not want another surgery. It puts me at risk because of the fact that my c-section scar isn't healed completely on the inside so it's a higher risk for piercing me and preventing me from having the ability to have more children. As well as my ITP platelet problem could cause internal bleeding, so no I don't want a D & C.

Ahh... sigh of some relief from the constant pain I have been having. What a roller coaster my life is. Praise you Lord in the good and in the bad.

Church today

I went to church this morning. First morning since we found out about the miscarriage. It was all good when I first walked in, a little nervous but sincerely thought I would do fine... I was wrong. Worship team played "Everything Falls" by Fee for practice before service. It crushed me and I had to run to the bathroom to cry. Trying not to be seen I went into an open stall and just cried. I tried to wait the ladies out that were in there but they were in conversation and it didn't seem to be ending so I tried to wipe my eyes off and walk out. Now when I cry you can tell most of the day that I have cried so playing it off didn't work. One of the ladies gave me a big hug and asked if I was Sandy, and when I replied yes she said she has been praying for me. The tears I was fighting back for the 2nd time came rolling out again.

So now everyone in church saw me and knew I had been crying. Most of them if not all of them knew why I was crying. Service started and I went to the front so people could only see the back of me because I knew I was going to bawl once they actually played the whole song. Then when worship started EVERY song they played made me cry. But then I couldn't hold back the bawling when they played "Everything Falls". It's an amazing song, it really is. But in the weak state I am in it spoke to me like never before.

"When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together, 

When everything falls apart Your the only hope for this heart,

When everything falls apart and my strength is gone I find you mighty and Strong,

You keep holding on, You keep holding on"

 That is the chorus, but the verses were full of descriptions of me right now. It was an emotional break down. One women from church came to my side and just sang and hugged me as I cried. It was really something that she came to try and comfort me. I know who she is but we don't know each other that well and still she came to my side to comfort me. That was so moving. I just lifted my hands and tried to sing through the sobbing. I praise God for that song. It's my life right now and he knew I needed that message. His arms are holding me together. When I break down he is holding me together. I would fall apart without him. Just like I said in a previous post. I would just lye on the floor and never get up. 

Jesus knows my heart and how to reach it. He did that today. He showed me how much people are there for me and care about what I am going through. He is apart of every good thing I go through and there to hold me when things are not so good. I praise him for how He loves me. 

I have coffee with a friend in a little while. I am glad for it. I am sure I will have more to write about later but for now, I am just loved by my wonderful Savior, because that's what he is... a Savior.

Distractions

Today was an okay day. I had distractions like cleaning, getting 2 new dressers (not the best looking things but hey they have space to hold clothes which was much needed), a better table and chairs and my dad's birthday party. But the time I had to myself in the shower to think was enough to bring me down. I haven't cried today, well not full on tears but I did get all teared up at a few points.

At the party, I was a little nervous to get there because I knew everyone there knew and I wasn't sure if I was ready to handle a big crowd of people saying I'm so sorry, but it was good practice for church tomorrow I guess. Well it was hard, very hard. I had to fight the tears because the last thing I wanted was to bring the party down and have it be all about me. Here is a picture of the cake we made for my Dad yesterday.

It just hits me at various times of the day now... not every second, but still frequent. I am trying to not dwell on it, but move on. I am trying to prepare myself for work which honestly I don't think I am going to be ready. I'll talk to the doctor on Monday and see what she can help out with, but then there is the finance issue. I can't just be missing work, but can I really work at work? Do you know how much time that is alone to let the thoughts creep up and make me bawl? I haven't had that much time to think alone, don't really want it. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want to be alone. I haven't since the day I started bleeding which is a week ago...technically it was a week and a day being that it's 12:02am but you know. 

Realizing it has been a week already just makes me feel like this is going to last forever. Then again I found out for sure I miscarried on Monday so who knows. I hate how fast the weekends go by. Not enough time in a weekend. Monday I will be alone. No one here to help me out with McKayla and keep me distracted. I am kind of scared about that, but life moves whether you do or not I guess. I have to face it some time or another, but I wish I didn't have to so soon.  I feel like the distractions are good because they help me move on with life.  And when I think about the miscarriage I want someone with me to just not have to say words that don't help, but just to hug me and not let go for a little bit. That is what is the most temporarily comforting, a long hug of a good friend. It's just going to be hard, who can I call that isn't working or busy taking care of kids? My best friend but she moved and doesn't have service at her house. But like I said, words aren't the comfort, hugs are.

I have been thinking about the little "funeral" I am wanting to have. Starting to think about doing it soon. I am going to talk to Pastor Steve tomorrow about that. See if we can get something planned out. I might start to feel some sort of closure then who knows, but it seems right.

I am not sure who is reading these posts anymore... it keeps track of how many people look at each post everyday and it goes down every post. If you are still taking the time to read these I am so grateful for you. I would love to know who you are so I can thank you personally. These posts have been such an outlet for me. And knowing that people are taking the time to read them and care just helps a lot, an awful lot. This is an incredibly hard journey to walk, and I know we weren't made to walk them alone so thank you for walking this with me. I couldn't do it without support.

Breath of Air

Tonight we had dinner with some pretty awesome friends from church. It was so nice to get out and have conversation with them. Both Scott and I felt the love from them and the sincere care for us as we go through this difficult time. It really was so helpful, just the invite alone gave me something to look forward to and a strong sense that someone really cared about this whole thing enough to have us for company. They have a beautiful new baby boy and I was glad to hold him and remember just how tiny my baby use to be (although she never was that small you know what I mean). They expressed concern for having a new born and us over given the circumstance, but It really was helpful and greatly appreciated. 

Another thing that was so helpful today was my sister and I baking a special cake for my dad's birthday party tomorrow. It gave me a focus and sort of an outlet. It was nice to do something special for someone else. Isn't it amazing how that works? Not to not focus on the situation at hand but to just give something to someone else every now and then. So so far today has been a good day. 

I am so glad it is Friday, although because of all the emotional things going on I forgot that we switched bible study nights and we didn't make it. We actually realized that when we were asked which group we switched to during dinner lol!!! It was funny, but hey maybe a small group was better tonight than anything else. I think it was, another way God is looking out for me. I am just glad Scott doesn't have to go to work tomorrow so when I start to feel alone tonight I can lean on Scott and not worry about how he has to get up early. Relief.

I am up for hanging out, and would really like to do more of that for the comfort of having actions show how much people care. It's really nice. It really shows people at church are really a family, there to meet each others needs. It's great to finally find that in a church. 

I praise you God for today, and for my church family. I pray they continue to help me in this healing process. I pray you continue to come along side me and hold me. I pray tonight I do not feel alone and defeated. I pray that you be with my family and keep us safe and positive. Also I pray for Melissa and her family, help her to heal and continue to bless people with her testimony and her personality. In Jesus name, Amen

I can't sleep

It's close to 2am. Tonight is the first night I have not taken Vicodin. I have not needed it for the past 2 nights because of the miscarriage, but for my back and neck pain. If I take Ibuprofen it effects my ITP (this I just learned Monday) so since I have Vicodin I took 1 and also I knew it would help me sleep. Tonight I didn't want to just take it to sleep, although I know that is the easy way to get sleep through this pain, emotional pain. Yes my back and neck hurt but I know I will only be taking it for an escape from thoughts. I am just at the point of questioning when this pain will fade to a dull pain. And how can that ever happen, my whole life from Monday on is going on missing something. I have already pictured having 2 children close together, riding bikes, camping, going to school and many others things. I have to alter my mind but in a way that doesn't cause so much pain. I went in to McKayla's room a few minutes before coming to write and just watch her sweet sleepy face. She rolled on her side to get more comfortable. She is so cute and I love her so much, and in that moment I felt all the love I have for her come out, but it went straight to the thought of my unborn child and what they might have been like. I know this will never be but I can't help but think about it.

How am I suppose to go on living everyday without being in deep pain from the memory of losing a child? How does that ever get to a point that I don't cry and I don't get super sad? It doesn't seem possible right now. I know in time it probably will but right now I just can't see how. This has just ripped me apart. I am down on the ground going on only because I have a family that needs my love. If it were just me and no one else in this world I would just lye on the floor and cry and cry and never get up. That is how I feel. This is such a roller-coaster of emotion. This is the first time I have been alone without anyone around watching me or awake. It is an awful feeling right now. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me, tell me it will be ok and that this pain will fade overtime to just a pleasant thought of meeting my child in heaven. I want to curl up in someones arms and just be held. Physically be held like a child.

I need help getting through this. I need support and company. I need to remember what it feels like to be around friends having fun. I need to remember the good things in life and all the blessings that have been given to me. It's easier to do when the sun is shining and I am in good company, but hard to when I am alone in the dark. Ugh it would be so much easier to just take a Vicodin and fall asleep, but fortunately I am not an addict and don't plan on letting anything make me one so, I wont take one.

Ugh, do you ever get all stuffed up and a headache from bawling your eyes out? That is what I have right now, and a lot of pressure in the back of my jaw. I can't wait to be ok with this. I can't wait until this isn't a stabbing pain every 5 minutes of every day. Oh Lord hear my pain and ease it PLEASE!!! This is awful! I hate it! I hate this part!! Why did I get pregnant if you were just going to take it away?... Just venting. Praise you Lord because Your ways are not mine and it's always because You see the whole picture and I see a tiny fraction.

Friends I am asking for your help. I don't know what to do. I am not use to this much pain. Pray for me, be here for me and just love me.