Today was an okay day. I had distractions like cleaning, getting 2 new dressers (not the best looking things but hey they have space to hold clothes which was much needed), a better table and chairs and my dad's birthday party. But the time I had to myself in the shower to think was enough to bring me down. I haven't cried today, well not full on tears but I did get all teared up at a few points.
At the party, I was a little nervous to get there because I knew everyone there knew and I wasn't sure if I was ready to handle a big crowd of people saying I'm so sorry, but it was good practice for church tomorrow I guess. Well it was hard, very hard. I had to fight the tears because the last thing I wanted was to bring the party down and have it be all about me. Here is a picture of the cake we made for my Dad yesterday.
It just hits me at various times of the day now... not every second, but still frequent. I am trying to not dwell on it, but move on. I am trying to prepare myself for work which honestly I don't think I am going to be ready. I'll talk to the doctor on Monday and see what she can help out with, but then there is the finance issue. I can't just be missing work, but can I really work at work? Do you know how much time that is alone to let the thoughts creep up and make me bawl? I haven't had that much time to think alone, don't really want it. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't want to be alone. I haven't since the day I started bleeding which is a week ago...technically it was a week and a day being that it's 12:02am but you know.
Realizing it has been a week already just makes me feel like this is going to last forever. Then again I found out for sure I miscarried on Monday so who knows. I hate how fast the weekends go by. Not enough time in a weekend. Monday I will be alone. No one here to help me out with McKayla and keep me distracted. I am kind of scared about that, but life moves whether you do or not I guess. I have to face it some time or another, but I wish I didn't have to so soon. I feel like the distractions are good because they help me move on with life. And when I think about the miscarriage I want someone with me to just not have to say words that don't help, but just to hug me and not let go for a little bit. That is what is the most temporarily comforting, a long hug of a good friend. It's just going to be hard, who can I call that isn't working or busy taking care of kids? My best friend but she moved and doesn't have service at her house. But like I said, words aren't the comfort, hugs are.
I have been thinking about the little "funeral" I am wanting to have. Starting to think about doing it soon. I am going to talk to Pastor Steve tomorrow about that. See if we can get something planned out. I might start to feel some sort of closure then who knows, but it seems right.
I am not sure who is reading these posts anymore... it keeps track of how many people look at each post everyday and it goes down every post. If you are still taking the time to read these I am so grateful for you. I would love to know who you are so I can thank you personally. These posts have been such an outlet for me. And knowing that people are taking the time to read them and care just helps a lot, an awful lot. This is an incredibly hard journey to walk, and I know we weren't made to walk them alone so thank you for walking this with me. I couldn't do it without support.