It's close to 2am. Tonight is the first night I have not taken Vicodin. I have not needed it for the past 2 nights because of the miscarriage, but for my back and neck pain. If I take Ibuprofen it effects my ITP (this I just learned Monday) so since I have Vicodin I took 1 and also I knew it would help me sleep. Tonight I didn't want to just take it to sleep, although I know that is the easy way to get sleep through this pain, emotional pain. Yes my back and neck hurt but I know I will only be taking it for an escape from thoughts. I am just at the point of questioning when this pain will fade to a dull pain. And how can that ever happen, my whole life from Monday on is going on missing something. I have already pictured having 2 children close together, riding bikes, camping, going to school and many others things. I have to alter my mind but in a way that doesn't cause so much pain. I went in to McKayla's room a few minutes before coming to write and just watch her sweet sleepy face. She rolled on her side to get more comfortable. She is so cute and I love her so much, and in that moment I felt all the love I have for her come out, but it went straight to the thought of my unborn child and what they might have been like. I know this will never be but I can't help but think about it.
How am I suppose to go on living everyday without being in deep pain from the memory of losing a child? How does that ever get to a point that I don't cry and I don't get super sad? It doesn't seem possible right now. I know in time it probably will but right now I just can't see how. This has just ripped me apart. I am down on the ground going on only because I have a family that needs my love. If it were just me and no one else in this world I would just lye on the floor and cry and cry and never get up. That is how I feel. This is such a roller-coaster of emotion. This is the first time I have been alone without anyone around watching me or awake. It is an awful feeling right now. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me, tell me it will be ok and that this pain will fade overtime to just a pleasant thought of meeting my child in heaven. I want to curl up in someones arms and just be held. Physically be held like a child.
I need help getting through this. I need support and company. I need to remember what it feels like to be around friends having fun. I need to remember the good things in life and all the blessings that have been given to me. It's easier to do when the sun is shining and I am in good company, but hard to when I am alone in the dark. Ugh it would be so much easier to just take a Vicodin and fall asleep, but fortunately I am not an addict and don't plan on letting anything make me one so, I wont take one.
Ugh, do you ever get all stuffed up and a headache from bawling your eyes out? That is what I have right now, and a lot of pressure in the back of my jaw. I can't wait to be ok with this. I can't wait until this isn't a stabbing pain every 5 minutes of every day. Oh Lord hear my pain and ease it PLEASE!!! This is awful! I hate it! I hate this part!! Why did I get pregnant if you were just going to take it away?... Just venting. Praise you Lord because Your ways are not mine and it's always because You see the whole picture and I see a tiny fraction.
Friends I am asking for your help. I don't know what to do. I am not use to this much pain. Pray for me, be here for me and just love me.